Soooo I really need to get this out!!! I didn't get to go to a meeting last night… i had to work on my day off, but which in many ways was an advantage…more hours, plus i got paid time and a half and tips and my normal time…my boss and I went over all my utilites and paid them and rent…and he paid me. i have more money right now than i've had since freakin christmas, which all that money went to gifts for my family/friends…anyways….i had a good day yesterday at work and went to wal-mart with my sister and got all the stupid little things i needed… my sister and i are hanging out again. she, too, is an addict. she has been going to the clinic since august. i love her, but it's been hard for me to hang out with her because she was using other substances for awhile w/ her methodone. and although i only have 30 some days this time, it was a relapse and i have been trying to keep myself away from drugs since 2005. i have been doing well ya know…haven't been strung out on my addiction since dec. 16th, 06… so i'm doing pretty good ya know…this time, i'm learning what i need to focus on each day…and that is of course MEEE!! and i have been learning that i can't deal with shit man. one little thing happens out of place and i flip shit! i'm like ahhhh i'mgoing to kill some1, i'm going to kill myself…first insticts ya know…i've been throwing shit and cussing and screaming lol … it's been a trip man. but i'm trying to work on these things because i want to grow and become someone, not jus an addict anymore, but a person. i've been trying to work on my 1st step and live it, and realize how powerless i am over things. and trying to accept what i can't change…the serenity prayer is important each day to me, because i'm still lost out here! i've been also trying to rediscover what happened to me when i was 4 years old… i know what happened, i've been getting clues and things from my higher power to help me get through it. i blocked it all out though, ya know to protect my little 4 year old mind, but now that i am an adult person, no longer strung out, it's like lordy man i need to get this out of myself because i lose myself . it's been something that has affected me horribley. i've been a mess since i was 5 and i never remember feeling like a human should. i have always felt out of the box with people, like i couldn't relate, like a freakin alien or something… emotionally confused and sooo confused and paranoid and nervous…and dope was what made me feel true because i felt like i could hide behind it, and be all inside me,but use it as a disguise ya know…so i felt free, but come to realize, i was never free, i just FELT free. i'm learning more about my emotions and working on my little ashley experiment. the more experiments, the better…emerson taught me that. lol but anyways i'm lalala … i'm trying to stop having sex because it's another addiction i have. and eating is one…exercising. i have many little problems that i know are all steming from something horrible thati  blocked out when i was 4. i've had dreams and out of body experiences, i've had doctors and pychics tell me things.  i need to know what it is, today isn't a good day to find out though. if it came to me today i might kill some1. lol but anyways, but to today…actuaully yesterday.. i got a new lip ring, i was sooo excited to put it in. well, it wouldn'tgo in…infact nothing would!! i was like are you serious?? it's been healed for awhile now. i mesed with it til it started bleeding lol and my sister tried and blood went everywhere i was like dammit and flipped out yooo!!! i was screaming and the cat was crying because my sister locked her out of the bathroom and my cat is like seriously obsessed with the bath tub, like shes constantly in the tub…she dragseverything in that bath and i locked her out of my room and my sister talks soo much omg like she doesn't shut up man. i know its the methadone, but damn i was tripping. i didn't get high though, but maybe i have like bipolar disorder or something, i'm like such a happy person….i'm always smiling and trying to be as optomistic as possible. but when something goes wrong i blow up! like it's either i'm too damn happy, or i'm pissed off to the point where everyone needs to run… lol but whatever i guess….i got this crazy thing in my lip finally. i guess god really doesn't like it when we have piercings. ha but i avoided going out with like 5 guys last night. i've been keeping strong inside…trying to at least. guys are addictive, but i'm to this place where they all bore me, and i need some1 who's jus as fucked up and crazy and weird as myself to ever be even a considerable amont satisfied. lol wow seriously. those words togetherdon't sound as awesome as i thought… anyways work today alll day. i might try to hit a meeting, but it starts at 7, and i get off at 7, so i'll be a little late….i gotta keep my head up because i gotta work a few days straight and i kinda pretend everythings all cool and i'm jus a normal person….lol yea i'm a loser. i am still at the self-centered aspect of being an addict, where i think   i am so completely awesome that every1 is looking at me all the time. man i get alll paranoid and shit….anyways….i'm done…. lol i gotta get ready to go conform to society. peace


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