Feeling a little sentimental today; guess that's no big deal. I'm also feeling down on myself because I was scheduled to work tomorrow and I had to cancel and ask them not to put me on next week's schedule either ~ but that they could call if they needed someone to cover a shift. I'm feeling sad and really tired; but they can't all be uphill days can they? I know it's normal to have days where you stumble, but it doesn't change the dissapointment or the pang of fear that it brings with it.

I didn't sleep well last night, even with taking the Abilify in the evening. I just couldn't get my brain to shut off. Round and round it went, constantly looping over the same pointless territory again and again. I laid there and did breathing exercises until I could quiet my thoughts enough to doze off. At 2:30 a.m. I was up again, and wide awake. I ate breakfast and called Aaron at work and talked for a bit. Tried to go back to sleep…didn't happen until about 4:30, then woke at 6:30 ~ yaaay. (Not. )

Despite the lingering exhaustion and mental fog this morning I started the whole process of trying to get SS disability or SSI for disability. What a nightmare it is! I cannot believe what you have to go through to get help when you need it. It'd be easier to get foodstamps and Medicare than to do this. Why is that?! Isn't this just as important and necessary as those things? I have spent the last 3 hours on the phone with more doctors' offices and therapists that I've seen and hospitals I've been in than I care to count. How much more information do they want?! I'm also calling past employers to see if they'd be willing to write letters verifying why I lost my job or how much time I had to take off due to illness. I have to go back 8 years to my first diagnosis of severe clinical depression/ anxiety and get all the records from then forwards. ARGGGGHHHHH!!! One of the most important doctors that I saw is no longer in practice and I'm not even sure he's still living. I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed by this that I could scream. Oh wait, I already did a few sentences ago.

My first appointment with Social Security is November 13th. Please pray for me and send good thoughts that this will go through on the first try. I badly need this financial help. 🙁

Before long I'm going to go nap for awhile before my son gets home. Hopefully that will allow me to be up with him for the rest of the afternoon/evening and help him with homework and do some playing too. My therapist was telling me I need to get at least 10 minutes of direct sunlight each day, so by playing outside with him is how I'm incorporating it in. It does help me, and so does playing and acting like a kid for awhile.

Speaking of sunshine, it's a really beautiful day here. A little bit overcast with sunlight peeking through now and then, and about 75 degrees and a light breeze. I swear I spend more time sitting out here on the back porch than I do in the house! I love the outdoors, and I love our backyard. I'm so blessed to live in our home and on this piece of property. It gives me a lot of the joy that I do have.I wish I could invite everyone over for a cookout and campfire afterwards… but sadly we're all to spread out. Maybe one day a bunch of us could meet up for a couple of days somewhere on the central East Coast area of the U.S. … wouldn't that be fun?

Our jack-o-lanterns are growing green fuzzy mold now, so it's time to play pumpkin bowling. 🙂 The whole point is to see who can smash theirs into the most pieces. It's less sad than throwing away our hard work ~ this is at least amusing. I know; we're a strange family, lol.

My birds and kitties are happy today ~ they get to be outside on the porch. They HATE being stuck in the house. Here they can watch the wild birds come and eat out of the feeder nearby, and often the cardinals and blue jays will come and hang on their cages (which they love) trying to get to their food bowls. Even the squirrels come and stick their paws through the bars and steal treats now and then, and the birds don't mind. They've gotten used to it I suppose.

Alright, now that I've bored you to death with a long blog about nothing in particular I'm goiing to quit while I'm ahead. :-)Thank you all again for the prayers and support you've given me ~ I credit a lot of my getting better to those things. Please know you're much loved on this end and that when the tables are turned, I WILL be there for you. ((((HUGS))) and love to you my friends.

~Key