It seems as though things just run in circles. Thoughts, emotions, sounds, smells, and memories all seem to be connected. I try daily to break out of this place I am at. I know it is not healthy. I just can’t seem to break it. I wake up each day and try to hold my head high, tell myself “I will not fall today.” , and try to move on. Still no luck.
Corey said to me last week I am happiest when I am in my deepest depression. I am not sure how to take that really. I don’t think he understands because he has never lost anyone one close him. His great grandmother just passed last year and they were not close. With me it seems like everyone I am close to dies. My friends are always in aw of how many people I have lost.
So is it that he just doesn’t understand, or am I a miserable person? He told me about a month after Bobby passing “you just need to get over it and get on” I still don’t understand that. I know I have people still alive to take care of. When am I going to be able to fix myself? Will it be like when I took care of Mommy, or when I tried for years to fix and protect Bobby? Will I fail myself also? I know I am a smart person and have alot to give. I know I am a loving soul and should be proud. I am not. Truth is I am always trying to help, fix, support others and rarely take time for me. I do that on purpose. I don’t know that as broken as I am if I could ever truely be fixed.
I sometimes dream of not being me. Just finding myself lost and not minding. I wish there was a switch to turn of the memories. I wish there was a button to take away the pain. Seasons, smells, weather, lighting bugs, all these things hurt me right now. I close my eyes and I see him as a boy. I remember his laugh. Watching my kids grow and seeing them do the things we did together sometimes makes my heart ache. Watching my son with his gentle yet bull like personality reminds me so much of him.
I was at Kevin’s today. Bob was everywhere. I know I will dream of him tonight so like the past few I will barely sleep.
Once again I can see the train, I hear it coming , I just can’t get off the track.