So, I guess if I'm going to start this, people should know what's been going on recently to bring about this most recent bout of depression, although it has never left me completely, there are times that things seem to get a bit better for short amounts of time…

Well, almost 3 years ago (in June), I met a boy, I met him online, and the attraction was immediate. We talked, had so many of the same likes and interests, we were almost inseperable. He started asking me to move in with him within the month, and I refused. It was too soon, I was scared. Things went well, we found out that he was a father, and the mother of his child was not a good person, we started trying to get custody. I guess I didn't do enough to help with that process.

In November of that same year, I found out I was pregnant. I dont remember much of anything that happened after that, but I had an abortion. It is a mistake that I regret and think about EVERY day. He does too. I think he still hates me for it, although he says he's forgiven me (another story, almost a year later, we had our own funeral, said a few words, and he came to terms with how much i regretted that decision and that it really wasn't done to hurt him, and that it's possible that I have some symptoms of ptsd because of it…)

About that time, I cheated on him. Again, a decision that I totally regret. And the sex isn't what had upset him, more that I was emotionally cheating. Not long after that, he met another girl. She lived closer to him, and was having a really hard time herself, she is an alcoholic, I think he has said she's bipolar, has ptsd, and is just overall really messed up. well, in light of one of her most recent personal tradgedys, I was supportive of him being there to support her. I was not jealous, was ok with him making other friends, meeting new people, he didn't have to spend every second with me, and i live far enough away that it wasn't always possible for me to be there as much as i wanted.

Needless to say, he started sleeping with her. It broke my heart. We broke up, and I went back into the hospital. He chose her over me. I was depressed over the abortion before, but this just threw me over the edge. She and i talked briefly, and She promised me that she would never see or speak to him again. That was a lie. He and I took 2 weeks of no contact. During that time, she kept texting me, i think more than anything to prove that she was with him when I couldn't even contact him.

Well, she likes playing games, she often goes about telling him that she hates him, and never wants to hear from him again. Well, that happened, and he and I started hanging out more again. I was in therapy, on meds, and starting to feel better. Things were going fairly well. Then school started again, I got stressed out and couldn't handle it. He focused more on me than on school, and even though he was able to succeed far better than I did, it was still very tough on him. I should have thought more about what I was doing to him, but I was convinced that I needed him. He can still always make me feel better.

After last semester, He was able to bring his son out to visit for the first time. I got to spend an incredible weekend with the 2 of them and his parents. It was honestly the best weekend of my life. I got to play stepmom, and it was the most fulfilling experience ever. His son called me "the girl" or "girl" and every time i left, whether for work, or just to go outside to smoke or anything would say "girl gone." it was adorable, and seeing the life that his son breathed into him was thrilling as well. I've never seen him happier, more inspired, than that the entire time I've known him. It was incredible.

Then his son left, right before xmas. I had plans with my family, and he hadn't really invited me to go spend it with them, I also knew he needed to take his son back to nebraska, so, I didn't know he wanted me there, then he gets mad at me and for that and starts sleeping with that same girl again.

He has chosen her again, and she thinks she might be pregnant, and I worry about him so much, and I dont think someone as messed up as she is isn't good for him or his son. I know it's not my choice, but she's crazy, and cruel, and a liar, and he values honesty more than anything else, and she makes him lie to me. well, not lie, but hide things. he's always been honest to the point of cruelty. I didn't always like it, but i could always respect it. Whenever he spends time with her, he changes, and in ways that make it harder to have any respect for him.

So, I've waited too long to register for classes this semester, I hate my job, and I'm all alone, pissing of my best and only real friend, the only person I think has ever really cared about me. He wants to try things with this girl, says she makes him happy and I dont anymore. That we're exactly the same, but that she has goals and I'm not making progress anymore.

In so many ways, I just want him back. In so many I also want to give her a piece of my mind. But I also do agree with him that I have stopped progressing. I haven't been doing the things I need to to make myself better. I should be doing more for myself, and I can't handle it. I'm afraid to change, afraid if I'll like myself when I find out who I am, I'm terrified he wont like me either, that if I have goals and plans, that I wont be able to do anything about it, that I'll fail, and I'll have something far more important than just a boy to loose if I do.

I'm lost, alone, and in desperate need of some direction.

I hope I haven't bored anyone too much, but blogging has always been theraputic to me, and I'm hoping this will help again. Any advice, or anything is always appreciated.


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