hi internet. goshhh there’s no one to talk to.

yesterday was really good actually. i was busy and around people the entire day which hasn’t happened in a ridiculously long time, i usually have nothing to do and everyone else does have stuff to do.. sundays i have training for my internship so i was there all day and i’m getting to know everyone there better and they’re like really really amazing people which is so refreshing and i really like it. yesterday we were going around talking about why we were there and people were getting fairly personal so i finally disclosed some secrets that i’d been afraid to let people there know about in case they thought i wasn’t "ready" to do that kind of work or whatever but they were so cool about it.. one of the trainers just talked to me to make sure everything was okay and i said yeah totally i’m only scared that saying that will impact my eligibility to be here! he said nope. seriously this organization is so cool. SO cool. they are completely fair in who they employ/ let volunteer! they recognize that everyone comes from different places and has had different struggles that might have affected their work history/ resume/ recommendations/ personal history, etccc… and they give you a chance!!! so yeah it’s awesome… sunday is the only day i actually have a good reason to get out of bed though! so sunday nights are kind of shitty because i’m just looking at another week… it’s better than it was when i was home i guess because i LITERALLY had nothing to do and no friends around..

after training i went to the grocery store with this other girl in my training who goes to my school who i drive back and forth from the subway to get there.. i’m getting mostly pretty comfortable around her which is like REALLY EXCITING and makes me feel good cause i haven’t like made a friend (who i didn’t meet in the hospital) in gosh like… a while. like… a long long time. freshman year probably… i mean i’ve made friends sort of since then, a couple, but not people i really trust or would hang out with alone. so yeah this girl is chill i’m proud of myself i guess..

then right when i got home i went over to my friends’ dorm because my friend was cooking dinner and she is reeeally good at cooking dinner… like nobody was around though pretty much. i spent part of the time just writing in the living room but that’s normal, people who don’t live there hang out there a lot even if nobody who lives there is there… then my two friends were going to go see antichrist and then i fucked up my life again! they were talking to each other about going to see it, and then they asked if i wanted to go, cause like i was there. but i wasn’t sure if they really wanted me to. i started like PANICKING kind of, well i was reeeally uneasy. i did NOT know what to do. i wanted to go and i very much did not want to go home because there’s nothing to do and i get so depressed and also i like hanging out with them but i didn’t want to be around too much and i’m afraid they don’t like me and i don’t know. i mean they invited me over there for dinner and they didn’t have to invite me to the movies. but they’re really stupid so they might not have realized that. anyway i had brought my handle of vodka with me in my backpack because i like…. bring it places… and i just abruptly got extremely drunk. then i decided to go to the movies because i wasn’t as self conscious and also i just didn’t care as much. i cannot even express how much i love alcohol!

so then we went to the movies IT WAS SO FUCKED UP it was the most fucked up movie i’ve ever seen EVER it was so weird and fucked up. like amazingly fucked up. it was like funny it was so fucked up. but anyway by the time the movie ended i was pretty much sober. i don’t like to sober up… so i ended up getting super drunk again in the car. i remember apologizing for putting them "in this position" and they didn’t even know what i was talking about so i explained that like… who drinks this much…?  and they were like oh whatever we don’t care. which is honestly just really nice! i know i have friends who do care about me but if i want to do retarded self destructive things i have people who won’t freak out about it… so, cool… then we got ice cream or something. then we hung out for a little. then i went home. it was late.. like 2-3 or something.. which is actually way earlier than i usually go home but usually other people are drunk too so there’s more fun things happening… and i ACTUALLY managed to get up for my class this morning which i very often don’t do especially if i’m really tired and hung over. then i came home. i had to feed the cat and clean her litter box and also thoroughly clean the kitchen because that’s my "job" this week (well last week). after that i took a nap… woke up a couple hours later and have been just laying around in bed doing nothing… it’s interesting to write about my life because it’s like so good. lots of people hate me cause if they had my life they wouldn’t be depressed. my response is i hate them cause that means they’re able to not be depressed! or something i don’t know. my response is also one of guilt and sorrow.

i guess that’s all.. i’m supposed to write for my thesis which i didn’t do yesterday and my advisor’s going to be madddd but i have nothing to write….

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