Well,  I just spoke to my boyfriend on the phone for the first time in 3 weeks (he's been out of town on a ship).  So I want to try to summarize the conversation and figure out what we really said.

Okay, well, the tears are running down my cheeks.  Not sure if they're happy or sad or scared tears.  Maybe all three mixed together.

His voice sounded heavier than usual, maybe partly tired, a little sad, serious….. 

He said he was thinking more about the friends plus sex agreement we were talking about last night….thinking it's probably not such a good idea.  That it would be hard on both of us.

But he wants me to come see him on his sailboat so we can be together, and so we can talk more about us, and see where we're going…..

So it's bittersweet.  

It's a relief, in a way, to admit, to him, that I love him, even though he's no where near ready to say it me.  I love him with all that I have in me, and that's partly why I'm crying.  Because just hearing his voice makes me miss him more and want to be with him right away.

And he said he did not just miss the sex, but he missed me, while he was away.  And for him, that is hard to admit.  Because he is the one who broke up with me while he was away, a week and a half ago, and tried to give the impression that it was easy for him.  And he does not share his feelings easily.

He wants to hold me, and kiss me…..  He missed me and wants us to be together…..he said he gets scared when he realizes he missed ME, myself.  And I imagine that is because that means he feels he is losing control of his emotions.  So he said maybe we could admit our feelings to each other a "little bit" and I said why just a little bit?  And he said because  it's not so scary for him that way….

I told him I could tell that it was easier for him to accept our relationship if we called each other only "friends" because then there are less expectations, less pressure….and he thought about it, and said he agrees that is the case. But we didn't decide on what we should call ourselves…..

We have only had about two conversations this emotional or serious before….so this is a big deal for us.

But damn it, the conversation had to be short!  Because he realized his phone was almost out of minutes on its card, and he has to buy a new card and call me tomorrow. 

But he told me he would dream of me tonight, and said he had been dreaming of me lots while he was away, and would wake up sad because I was not there.

So there he goes, breaking my damn heart again.  

I love him.