9:27 am 6/17/09 anxietytribe blog

Meditating or reflecting on Abraham's emotions when he is asked to kill his beloved and only son, Isaac  (Genesis 22: 1-19). I can empathize with the horror, the fear, the sadness, the confusion and the reluctance he must have felt when asked to sacrifice his baby boy (now grown up). I feel like I face a similar litany of terror, confusion, sadness and reluctance and resentment when I think about what I have to do to move from my neurotic anxieties toward the path that I believe God is calling me towards. I can imagine the heaviness in Abraham's heart as he treks towards the place where he is being asked to commit the ultimate sacrifice. As a father, I would sacrifice my own life before jeopardizing my son's and I am sure Abraham must have felt the same way. I can feel how scary it must have been for Abraham to respond to that call. I feel terrified of the steps I must take. I feel similarily troubled and confused as I take my spiritual and psychological journey as Abraham did.

God help me to move beyond my reluctance, my resentments. I imagine that Abraham must have been angry with God.He may have thought how can God ask me to do this? The journey towards the sacrifice site must have been the longest journey. Every step must have felt heavy with grief, anger, and yet ultimately a deeper underlying faith and willingness to do something that seems so overwhelmingly difficult to even contemplate.

9:48 am

I wonder if Abraham procrasinated and hesitated before taking that fateful journey.  I feel like I am stuck at where Abraham must have been. I am stuck with my procrasination, my reluctance, my passive aggressive protest and unwillingness to take that journey towards sacrifice and death. Yet Abraham's willingness to begin that journey and then follow through ultimately led to the next step spiritually. Help me to begin my journey towards sacrifice and death and help me God to understand that even things feel confusing and overwhelming that you are there in some mysterious way that I can't  comprehend.

9:47 am

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9:52 am

God knew Abraham loved Isaac so much. "take your son, your only son, yes Isacc, whom you love so much and go and sacrifice him."

In some ways, I know God is calling me to be willing to sacrifice my attachment to my neurotic ways. I have become so attached to my self sabotaging, avoidant ways. It feels as painful for me to sacrifice these neurotic patterns as I imagine it must have felt for Abraham to be asked to sacrifice Isaac 

9:55 am

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12:49 pm

just finished reviewing some projects that I had been ignoring but still feel overwhelmed with panic,like I am going to blow it, like the island is about to explode. I feel like I want to curl into a ball and just hide. I feel like I want to run from the frightening scary thoughts I subject myself to from my inner critic.  when i write in here about how terrified I feel, it does help, it helps me to step back from my hyperventilating panic and try to slow down and calm myself as I write. I don't know why blogging or writing helps me to calm down a little, it's a little wierd to me that writing a blog would help,  the wierdest part to me is that there is something about sharing my thoughts with a community which is much more powerful than just writing in a journal for myself.

12:53 pm

12:54 pm

I still feel the reluctance to move from obsessional planning to actually doing stuff,  I would rather organize incessanty and never do. Help me to get unstuck God!  Hear my lament please!

12:55 pm

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6:50 pm

wasted last 20 minute browsing on the web, have big project  I should be working on, I get stuck or addicted browsing for stupid things like ipod car radio when I should let it go and move back to work

blogging in here, helps me to break the addictive spell , God help me to stay focused

6:52 pm

6:57 pm

still feeling urge to browse, will write in here instead

asking God to help me ,

658 pm