Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I would to reflect on some of the thoughts and experiences I have been having and have had, and maybe get some feedback from others if they have had similar experiences. Messages of support and understanding are welcome.

Every morning I wake up next to my beautiful wife and I thank god I never transitioned to a woman, and I think to myself that it is something I don’t want to do. After we get the kids ready for their day and I am off to work the thoughts set in. I see a woman and I feel jelious of her. I want to have the same body as her, I want breasts! I wanted to be treated like a woman. I often wish a man would make love to me, as me being a woman. As a man I am not attracted to men, this is very confusing for me.

This all goes back to when I was a child and I would pray to god that I would wake up and be a girl. I would tuck my penis between my legs at night hoping it would fall off. My father is the very masculine type and encouraged my brother and I to follow the family tradition of military service. My teen years were spent in the army cadets, in which I was very successful at! I would see these macho military guys and want to be like them, but I knew deep down that I never would be.

Then the dreams started to happen. I would dream that I was a girl. And obviously as an adult I would dream that I was a woman. This one dream I had I was walking down the street and I could feel that my body was moving as a woman’s would and I knew that I was one.

After I finished with the army cadets I joined the military. I won’t go into much detail with that part of my life. When this service was finished I moved to a different part of the country I live in. In one of the cities I resided in I decided to experiment and I started to live part time as a woman. Men were approaching me and flirting with me! I guess I was passing…lol It was exhilarating! I was also going through therapy for gender dysphoria. When going through therapy I lost my housing in December and I had no choice but to move back in with my parents which was an 18 hour drive east of where I was residing. I stopped therapy.

While living with my parents I started my life over again and didn’t pursue living as a woman. I still live in the city where my parents were which is a smaller city where there’s not 5 degrees of separation but 2 degrees of separation.

My wife and I then met. We now have 2 beautiful children. And this morning I was looking at my wife and she was radiating with a glow, she looked stunningly beautiful and I told her so.

I am going back into therapy. And I met with a psychiatrist where I left nothing back. I TOLD HER EVERYTHING. After her meeting with me she asked if there was anything that I wanted left out of her report to my doctor, and I said there was nothing. So I guess my entire health care team knows what I am going through. I am lucky to live in a country where I have free/affordable health care.

I am also dealing with PTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD. There’s also a possible history of sexual abuse where I was the victim, my memories of this are very fuzzy so I am not sure if this actually happened. I was also physically abused by adults I trusted.