I've been writing a lot lately about my ongoing desensitization treatment. I know it may not be an option for everyone but I want to make sure that I show that this disease and the fears and phobiasthat come along with it can be faced and dealt with. The method of doing so is going to differ by the person but the main idea is that this disease is not invincible. I was recently doing some research on an unrelated matter and unexpectedly found myself face to face with the very thing that brough ocd into my life to begin with. As I've said before, my particular case was caused by trauma. A traumatic scarewas followed byan encounter with a fanatic andproduced the perfect stormfor ocd.So I can draw a line right back to the moment it began. If I suddenly found my old nightmare had come to life and walked up to me I couldn't have found a closer representation of the root of my battle with this disease. I felt all the old fear and revulsion, my arms and legs go weak, my face burning, heart pounding and thoughts racing. I thought I'd be sick. This was the deepest darkest fear that spawned all the rest. But I stood my ground with considerable effort.At that point I got angry.I wasn't a scared kid this time. This is over 20 yearsand countless battles of will later. Ifelt like I'd be betraying the victories I won over the years if I ran now. Then I went on the offensive and began to actually hunt this old nemesis down and face it over and over in whichever form I could find it. I recreated that old original catalyst in as close detail as I could and kept doing it until I didn't feel anything anymore. It took the past few days or sobefore I was convinced this showdown had succeeded. A strange thing happened as I started fighting back. I felt a burden that I hadn't even been aware of fall away. My confidence in myself and in the future increased significantly. I've begun to think things that I haven't allowed myself to think about in years. Like maybe getting back out there and dating again. For a really long time now I've told myself that for me love just wasn't in the cards. When I was younger I wanted nothing more than to find a great girl and settle down. I had manysomewhat undignified adventures in my pursuit of love. But they make good stories at least. However, after a series of failures that the ocd contributed to I decided to scrap the whole idea. Who knows. I may have something left up my sleeve yet. Again, the reason I'm sharing this is to let people know that it is possible to rally against this disease by whatever method is appropriate to the individual. Even though it can be difficult it is worth it. This disease is not invincible. Not even close. Its just a mirage and just like a mirageits all illusion, no substance. The only reality it has is when it fools us into believing it is real and acting as if it is. By that same token, the moment we stop believing in it, itbegins to fade little by little at first and then more rapidly until it is just a small unwelcome voice that we can ignore and quickly forget.


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