I tried so hard to keep away, and i know that i need to some clean with her for real. i tried to keep myself busy today like i did yesterday, but there just wasn't anything to do. at least while he was sleeping. I found my self looking at porn in no time. I feel so horrid with myself, and i know i need to get help, but i just don't know how. I'm not that weak of a person, but this addiction just rips at me. I just don't know what i'm going to do i've endured enough spiritual, and emotional scars and survived, and even ones that i have inflicted, but this one just does me in. Im really starting to think there is some deep seeded issue in this that needs to be resolved. I've never been that attractive, nor have i been a very sexually active person, and this problem has never really affected me in this way before. It's never been an issue, and i honestly thought it was some thing i could just stop doing. but i just can't seem to do it on my own. I'll weasel my way past whatever i need to in order to get to it, and i just cant handle it. the shame, the guilt, the secrets, the anxiety. I just don't know where to turn, i'm having trouble finding meetings for porn addicts in my area, and it's even harder trying to find one that is Buddhist or pagan. I feel ill in the head sometimes, i have so much to say, and so much i want to do with my life, but i just can't until I'm finally free of this virtual vixen that has seduced me for so many years. I still remember the first time i looked at porn, my eldest brother had some mail order phone sex catalogs, and i used to sneak into his room to get a peek, i would get excited when there where new ones to look at until i started trying to get home from school early just to see if there where any in the mail. from there it just spiraled into something that i did all the time, every chance i got i would take porn from any where i could find it. i never stole it from any stores though. i used to comb the woods by my house looking for the hobos stashes of porn, and then there was the internet. thats when it became a full blown addiction i think. i used to sit around getting stoned, and just watching porn, and jerking off. I would get up to smoke a cig or more weed. maybe eat something, get some thing to drink, use the bath room. i spent many days like that just locked inside both physically and mentally. those times would come and go, and i would find other ways to do it, and i did it everywhere. there are still few places that i go on a regular basis that i haven't done it. even at my nanas house for fuck sake.

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