I fucked everything up. Again. What else is new. But four years down the drain in a relationship I was doing all of the work in is terrible. I worked so hard at being good and kind and sober. At least the math hasn't crept back on me in four years. But after getting more an more frusterated in this relationship with a man who is distant, cold and judgemental I found myself closet drinking to deal. I'm not blaming him for being distant. Although honestly I would like to. And I would like to blame him for my drinking. But I can't do that either. I think I;m having withdrawls, my skin is crawling and I keep breaking out in sweats. How much fun is trying to sleep in the same house as him tonight going to be. Four years of building a life with him. The commitment always terrified me, but now It's so clear why. I have always been the one to walk away. Always so certain when things are over. It's easier to be the one leaving. Easier for it to be on my terms. He says he can't see himself marrying me. Of course all I want is a drink. Or a valium. Or both. Of course I live in a town where it's impossible to get a roomate and rent for a one bedroom is an entire paycheck for me. And I have a dog-making it doubly hard. After all of the work I put in trying to make it work with him and he can just brush me off without a second thought. four years. Four years and ten days. He didn't even say happy anniversary on the 15th. Reading this makes me wonder why I care that its over. I just want my comfort zone back. Can't we just have the good times back. When you weren't so serious all of the time and I didn't ignore the problem by drinking?