I thought about admitting myself to a mental hospital a year ago In April. I did a crazy amount of research but I didn’t go through with it. Now-again, I’m thinking I should admit myself. The past month I’ve done extensive research. The majority of my days now are spent staring at the ceiling day dreaming about how great it would be to give up, fantasizing death. No, I’m not suicidal. I think. Maybe, I don’t think I’ll take action. It feels like a matter of time though. The day before yesterday was the worst, I shouldn’t still feel this way. I mean even yesterday was way worse. I thought about all of these things for the majority of these past few days. Suicide and hospitalization.  It feels like I’m walking a fine line on cracked ice. No, the fine line IS the fractured ice. I’m on a frozen lake and I’m walking along this splintered line directly in the center, part of me wants to push forward in defiance of my own mind but then the other part wants me to just to lay down and wait until the ice gives way. Silly example I gave but that’s how it feels.

I can’t tell if hospitalization makes me feel like I’m giving in to the temptation of quitting or if that is me pushing through in defiance to my own mind. Truth be told it’s probably a bit of both. I’m so consumed with debating if I should be hospitalized. I think I should be.

I finally brought the idea to some of friends. One of my closest friends (we’ll call her Ash) was there for me. I got her to help me look for good places. The conversation ended with us discussing how shed come and visit me and shed call me every day. Ash even said to me

“Oh how romantic it would be if you met a guy there and you guys ended up getting married one day.” I laughed so hard, I ended up saying

“Yeah real romantic we’d be such a match being equally screwed up and everything. Just imagine the crazy kids we’ll have! lol but seriously babe thats the last thing on my mind. I don’t think these places work like that, it’s about getting better.”

She made me feel better about it a little. I also told her about my idea with getting a service dog too. I won’t be able to get one unfortunately, my home environment I don’t believe is considered stable because money is an issue. Plus the organizations just suck in this area it would appear. Anyway, Ash and I are so close that there is no weirdness and shyness about talking about touchy subjects. I mean yes, it is but not on a social level. I’m not afraid to tell her or what she will say or think, I’m just afraid in general to admit certain things. It becomes real then. There are still things I hold back from telling her because of that. I shouldn’t, she always manages to take things seriously but also put humor to it-but not in a way that appears to avoid the situation. We make humor of the ugly things together. Why should I keep things from her?

Another friend I mentioned it to (we’ll call her Marie)  thought it was a good idea as far as hospitalization goes. She wasn’t quick to say that I was crazy, she just told me if I’m struggling I would be better off getting help from a mental hospital. (we drifted a lot since I had left public school but we keep in contact and occasionally talk about deep mental stuff) Marie said she didn’t want to see anything bad happen to me and that I could come over any time if I needed a break from home. I really appreciated her saying that, especially because I thought she didn’t really like me anymore. I wonder even now if she just said knowing I probably wouldn’t take up her offer. Then again she usually isn’t one to hold grudges. We’ve gone through so many transitions together and then we went through so many transitions without each other, we’re different people now. Its time to see if we still have a friendship. I’ll take her up on her offer if I get really to where I think I might do something.

I had another friend that was really concerned but I didn’t tell him (we’ll call him Sai) I was thinking of putting myself in a mental hospital. He was the only one I told though specifically about the suicide thoughts. A while back I briefly told him I thought about going and I almost went through with it, Sai ended up feeling guilty that he didn’t notice I was falling apart. I tried to tell him that it wasn’t anything to be guilty for but he won’t listen. He always feels guilty about something. He had kept pushing all day for me to talk more about it and I did. He of course apologized saying he felt bad for me and he hoped that by him pushing me to talk about it, it didn’t make me feel worse. Just weird to lay out so many things bare about my problems. I didn’t tell Sai anything too specific on what exactly the problems were aside from the ones he already knew existed.

Oh and I mentioned to my mom that I looked into service dogs and then said to her I didn’t think I qualified because we didn’t have a stable home environment due to the income situation. I’ve been so out of today that I forgot to talk to her more about it. *rolls eyes* I’m brilliant I know, now I’m gonna have to have the conversation over again and sound like I’m nagging or something. I don’t know why I should even bother, it’s not like I could get one. There just is nothing in our area. Seems like a pointless thing to bring up. I’m just not sure we’d be up for the task. Or have the gas money to go to and from these places.

It’ll get through this, I have no choice. Just push through it, eventually it has to get better. I’m here for a reason, why would I twist that reason to cause pain and inconvenience for others purposefully?