I’m panicked about all of this.

I’m 29 and I still don’t have an undergraduate degree, nor do I have any sort of income.

I don’t want to really complain or talk about it to death. I don’t want to burden Chris or anyone else with all of this shit. I feel like it shouldn’t be such a complicated big deal–I see alot of people younger than me dealing with similar situations without difficulty, so I feel like it should be that much easier. I really think I’m more talented at dealing with crisis situations where it’s pretty much a triage strategy and there’s no time to panic or be indecisive. Honestly, dealing with someone bleeding out on the floor sounds alot easier than trying to deal with financial aid bureaucrats. I don’t know what that says about me.

I think a lot of the time people may see me as younger and less experienced than I am because I missed out on so many years of growing up because of my bipolar–the problem is I don’t want to be treated that way. Once upon a time, I lived on my own and made my own money and paid my own taxes. Despite that, I’m still trying to sort out pieces of truth from all the things people told me when I was sick and trapped in my mother’s house. If I believed my mother, I would believe that I was selfish and irresponsible and not capable of being what she defines as an adult. I remember several instances where she’s made statements like, Reagan, you can’t be a doctor if you can’t make it to an appointment on time or, Reagan, how are you going to be married when you don’t put your dirty dinner plate away. Good thing I realized that becoming a doctor involved a bit more than always being on time or emptying the dishwasher. I also told her that I didn’t want to be married to anyone who was going to divorce me over leaving a dinner plate out.

I guess I’m just frustrated that I can’t just do some of these things and have them be done. It takes many extra tries and many extra forms to get financial aid—but why can’t they do a background check and discover that I really don’t have a bank account and I really have no income? I could even swallow not going to school in the fall if I were making money at a decent job.

As far as finding a job, I feel like I’m capable of doing alot of things (if only judging by the numbskulls I see who are currently employed) that I don’t have any paid experience doing. For chrissakes, if I can manage a major in neuroscience, I can be trusted to figure out software for making medical appointments and answering phones. But, I can’t very well write on a resume, Trust me, I’m wicked smart, I’ll learn this job good.

I’m trying not to go the route of why does everyone else have it so easy? Why did my dad get a job for my brother and not me? I can’t change the past, so it’s best not to rehash the sins of said past.

I have this theory that people who get easy breaks in life get those breaks because they’re not strong enough to live their life any other way. If they had to work hard at life, they would wither away and shatter. There’s a Dorothy Parker quote that says, "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gives it to." She says specifically to look at the people he gives it to, not the people who earn it or work hard for it, I think that’s important.

I’m in a place where I’m grateful for my bipolar. Really. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it. I wouldn’t know what to do with my life if I hadn’t struggled and fought so hard to be able to live. I have my moments where I think of how much easier my life might be if I didn’t have it, but I think I would be missing so many parts of what define me and make me strong now.

Pushing on for my freedom…