So lets see, the last time I posted on here was about a week ago…my ROCD eating away at my sanity once again, only this time, it's flipped from "He's going to leave you," to "You're going to leave HIM."
I think that this OCD may be the worst form I've ever dealt with. It's as though my heart as well as my mind don't belong to me…its someone else's now and I can't tell who I am…I've lost who I am. Eric knows a little bit about what is going on, but I try not to reveal too much. I found an actualOCD SPECIALIST who KNOWS more about OCD than I DO!! He is one of the only specialists who actually TAKES INSURANCE and so I've had 2 sessions with him so far…so far so good, although these doctors make you work.
So far, I've described to him everything, the history of how I've always obsessed over Eric my fiance, watching my parents seperate, the thoughts that I want to cheat and leave Eric while in the midst of planning a wedding. He told me that ROCD isn't as commonly documented as other obsessions becuase up until recently, people used to think that they were just really jealous or that they really didn't love their partner, which would result in that person actually LEAVING their partner and begging to come back right after. I myself have done this with my first boyfriend when I was in college. I had no idea what it was and so I thought well, I guess I really don't love him….that night I broke up with him and broke my own heart in the process. I knew then that something wasn't right about that.
My doctor told me something so simple, but so helpful…"If if feels like OCD, then it is OCD." I completley understood what he meant. These thoughts I have dealt with before, but atleast before I wasn't LIVING with the guy, we weren't PLANNING A WEDDING. This time it is much harder, but the reason I do believe that these are Obsessive thoughts is because of thepatternof the thinking, the thoughts. They are almost identical to my "Gay thoughts." The same exact pain and self doubt. When I was a teen I obsessed I was gay, I have no issue with gays, but my mind was telling me I WAS…and EVERY TIME I saw a remotley attractive girl, my mind said "You want to be with her, ADMIT IT! Stop being a coward, and admit who you are!!!"
It says the same things with this…the same setances just changed a little bit and after a while, just like my doc said, you start to beleive them. How can you now believe something when someone or something is constantly chanting it to you that it is true and that you are what it's telling you…its brainwashing, and it's a constant war within that no one sees but me. Latley I've been on "auto pilot" where I'm just a body moving through the motions and pretending to "be fine." But then Eric will hug me, or he'll say somthing that makes me laugh…and its like my memory of my love and feelings for him come rushing back in that instant and I hold onto him and just hysterically cry into his shoulder.
It is madness at its best…this thing that lives in my brain can actually make me forget who I am. My Doctor told me that despite all the pain I feel now…I WILL get better. I just hope it's not much longer of this self doubting, this pain.