I haven't written in my blog now in a while. I have been checking the site periodiacally times I feel anxious but I alway back out or writing or leave the site because I feel like I dont get support from here anymore even here now I feel like I'm alone.
In the past month I watched my grandmother pass away , I sat by her hospital bed and held her hand as she struggled for air and I didnt care that my purse or bag were sitting on the dirty floor of the geriatric floor of the hospital , I didnt care that there were four other women in that same room at the same time with god knows what kinds of viruses all I cared about was sitting there and praying with/ for my nan and wondering what she was feeling and what she was thinking at that very moment. I was up three full days straight afterwards because all I could see when I closed my eyes was her lifeless face and the way her body just fell against the beds when they took off the oxygen mask and took out her iv, the colout of her ppor hands that I had held the last couple of hours she was on earth…. it was the worst feeling in the entire world but I wouldnt have traded spending her last hours with her for anything else on this earth.
That saturday after her funeral me and my cousin who I had only ever met once before in my life went and got TATTOO's that said "forever in my heart nan" across the top/side of our right feet. the name of a poem I had read at her funeral. I stood barefoot in the dirty tattoo parlor then I got up ( yes I checked to make sure it was a brand new needle and that he was doing everything stirile as he should be ) but I sat on that bed and I got that tattoo and I didnt even think about at the time how I had my two bare hands on this bed that probably had all kinds of germs on it and it was the last thing from my mind. I left the tattoo parlor and then I went and me and my cousin had the biggest slices of pizza you had ever seen and guess what I ddint realise I had done untill later that day NOT WASHED MY HANDS FROM THE TATTOO PARLOR TO THE PIZZA…. yes people I ate pizza with germ infested hands and I am here to tell about it .
At work the last few weeks I've been having to assist and scrub dirty instruments before they were stirilized ( dental assistant) and you know what for the first time in almost a year it didnt make me anxious , I didnt go home and cry myself to sleep because of the anxiety .. it felt SO natural and SO normal and I FELT ABSOLUTLY AMAZING ! I was so proud of myself that after struggeling so hard and working so hard to make things better things were FINALLY going back to how I had felt before , the ocd was still there but SO minimal it felt so fabulous. keep in mind I had told my employer of my ocd when I had started the job and despite him saying if I felt anxious I didnt have to assist or do instruments he would get someone else to I took advantage of it as a form of theraphy and it totally worked I faced my fears and it made me so strong.
well friday I was let go from my job … I was told that I should deal with all the "stresses" in my life before I dedicated myself to this line of work then he went into his story about a school buddy of his who had a break down because of mental illness. And it felt like a knife through my heart .
As god is my whitness I worked my ass off and I overcame so much and I feel like I have been kicked in the face. He also said he didnt think I could keep up with the fast pace of his office …. I left one of the busiest offices in town to go work at his … so that was total BS. I had only been there for 2 months anyone who works reception in a medical office knows thats barely enough time to train in on programs let alone be up to par with the other receptionist who has been there 30 odd years since the practice was opened.
oh and just to make things even more fabulous my boyfriends grandfather is now in hospital and he could pass any day now he's 96. So I know he dosnt expect it from me under the circumstances but I need to be there for him too.
I feel so lost and alone. I had no friends show up to my nan's wake, no one sent a card , no one sent flowers and I didnt notice until my mom asked me where all my friends were… at that point I realised that besides my very close friend jenn who was on vacation in dominican and had no idea that nan had passed not one of my friends reached out to me.
I dont know where my life is going right now , I have no job , I feel useless and stupid . My non existant ego took a huge blow…
I'm just plain hurting and I dont know what to do. I'm usually SO in control of my life and everything is so routine and now my life is a disaster and I honestly do not know or feel like I even care right now I honestly just want to be a 24 year old. I dont want to worry about all this crap anymore.
But I have to go now and get my gear togeather to go out and be there for ryan … I dont want sympathy I honestly just want some friends I just want someone I can call up or write when I'm having a bad day taht with talk to me about absolutly ANYTHING , the weather , just make me feel like I'm not totally and completly alone in the world and that I have support should I need it because as strong as anyone is they need friends.
I would also like to appoligize for all the type-o's had a lot to write in a short amount of time