today I was lazy. as I was yesterday and the day before. not having to get up early most days of the week has made me a weak muscled bed bitch. I give advice to people about things but I feel like I come off too harsh. it is only because I am passionate and intense. it would take a special person to truly understand. nothing but homework today, not too painfull but whatever. the dog’s eyes borring into me like knives. he is such an attention whore. i can feel his gaze on me wherever I stand. a baby, but I can’t fault him because i want unconditional 24-7 love too. but damn, give a girl a break, ya know? sitting in math class tonight, a string…no, a bucket of cliches, nuances and witty banter filled my head. I wrote it all out onto my scratch paper only to feed it more. all the loose words and sentences, all the quotes and funny quips I pull out of the air to make my thoughts ramble. it’s as if i am the captain of quotes, really. ever get so many words into your head that you just force yourself to make coherent sentences or else you’ll go insane? there’s too much traffic in this brain. after reading about effects of fetal alcohol syndrome I look at strangers for physical signs. why? curiosity i suppose but i never realized that what happens to us in the womb is reflected in some ways in our appearance. so why am I so damn short? i don’t have control over what I say because I say it (or write it) so damn fast I can’t change it when it’s all said and done. regret and shame and apologies come after. never changes. someday though i’ll take time to think about a quality response and somehow not feel sorry. sorry for every damn word that comes outta my mouth. i wish i could just be happy for once that what i say is true and good and done. i eat so fast i upset my stomach. i think so fast i get a headache. it’s all so routine for me, the nervousness, the retreat into isolation…it will possibly stop when I want it to. but as much pain it brings do i really want to stop? it’s so comfortable to be sheltered. too much shelter stunts mental growth and social skills. which is what has happened with me. so im searching for a career where i won’t have to be around people but then i will be alone. being by myself is okay but devastating in the long term. eventually i need a hug. without a hug i wither. nothing you say or think is true unless you mean it, and if you don’t mean it then what? don’t say it. don’t think it. find some great power within yourself to stop the negative energy and channel the positive chakra or whatever. stop making lists to make more lists. stop planning every moment of the day so you feel balanced. safe isn’t always best. take a risk. no, don’t jump in front of a car…smile at a stranger. raise your hand in class. try something new and be proud of your risk taking ability. take my own advice, right? just do it.

2 Comments
  1. Aingeal 15 years ago

    Dont beat yourself up. You are harsh but too harsh on yourself!

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  2. Aingeal 15 years ago

    What I mean is your are harsh to yourself!

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