Hey everyone,

It's been a few months since my last entry on here. I began seeing an excellent OCD SPECIALIST who was actually IN MY NETWORK….then I lost my insurance…perfect. My thoughts about not being sure if I love my fiance, Eric, subsided since my last post on here when they were at full throtle, but now they've began surfacing again and it's getting really ugly. I'm losing wieght again, taking Klonopin almost every day, (1 whole MG), and I'm sinking. It's almost like I can feel myself sinking, drowning, and there's really no one in my life who can help me. I have no therapist. My best friend seems to make my thoughts even worse, my mother is so self centered because she and my father are seperated and every time I call her it turns into, "Your Dad's an asshole hanging around with some other whore!" So obviously THAT is no help….then that leaves me here…almost in hiding because I'm really afraid to tell anyone what is going through my head. Here are some of the thoughts: You know you don't love him, you're only with him because he financially supports you, you're not attracted to him, you're not sexually attracted to him, you'd rather be with somone better looking, you're going to ruin everyone's lives by being with him, you're going to waste everyone's money because you'll end up cheating on him, you don't love him, stop being in denial! " Yesterday, we set the date for our wedding…something I'd been waiting for since 2011…and it was a gut wrenching, panic stricken experience. Seeing his parents and my mother talking about all these big plans, his mother and my mother arguing, I almost had a manic episode of screaming at everyone and running out of the manor. I wish I could just dissapear for a while. It's even effecting my performance at work. I don't answer e-mails, I don't prep for class because I'm too consumed with trying to figure out if I'll be making the biggest mistake of my life by marrying Eric, then freaking out at that question! I have no insurance so I'm on my own, although my MD does prescribe me medications…..I'm SO desperate for answers that I almost want togo to one of those palm readers or tarot card readers…I need someone to give me ANSWERS! Does anyone know what this is? What this feels like?