I plan on keeping with my leaving of this blog but I need to write this one last blog. I'm so tired of being afraid and I need to put this into words. To the people who read my old blogs know of the guy who broke me beyond anything else. I hate myself because I still love him but I'm terrified of him.

About two months ago, we were spending time together. He was also spending time with another girl. This girl decided to pretend to be him and invite me over while she was there. When I got there and saw them together, I got so angry. All the pain and betrayal boiled up and I asked him to come to another room with me. I was so mad I slapped him. He grabbed me by the throat and threw me into a wall. After yelling in my face, he threw me to the ground. I think he cracked my wrist because it still hurts me. Once he calmed down, we tried talking it through. He then started dating the other girl. After everything he did, he still went with her. A few weeks ago, we spent the day together and I haven't heard from him since.

I'm terrified. Anymore it feels like I take showers just to have a private space to have a panic attack. I'll be honest. I used to love getting my throat grabbed in a sexual way. But now if I even think about someone gently touching my neck, I fall apart and I feel like I can't breathe. I know it's nothing compared to what others go through but it's more than anything I've dealt with.

I hate myself for this. I hate that when I went to a friends after it happened, I cried about hitting him and how stupid I had been. I hate that I felt like I deserved what happened. And I hate, absolutely hate, that I still love him and hope for the day I talk to him again. He's absolutely ruined me, and I hate myself as much as I love him.

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