Often I get random things stuck in my mind, and lately my tolerance has gotten so low I can hardly tolerate any obsession in my mind, let alone random ones which I don’t have a gameplan to deal with.
So a little while ago I’m sitting there playin a video game with my brother and I rub the back of my head and my hair feels kinda different than normal and I think “what the hell”, and then I remember I forgot to wash it today. Normal I take showers but today I had a bath and forgot to wash it due to the bath throwing off my regular washing routine. Anyway, should be no big deal but then I remember resting my head on the back of the bathtub and thinking “I need to remember to wash my hair cause the back of the bathtub seems kinda grimy”… instantly my mind goes into stress mode and I think “fuck, what am I going to do now?” I feel like there’s bacteria in my hair and it’ll get onto my hand from touching my head and I should have another shower. But I don’t wanna take a shower and the thought of it pisses me off cause I hate doing things for ocd’s sake. But then I worry if I don’t shower the bacteria will get onto my pillow and all over my bed when I go to sleep tonight. This brings me to a state of indescision… how to deal with this obsession. I feel like I can’t go on until I do something about it, but what? And so after ruminating on it for a while, here I am, typing this BS out!!
Now, this is confusing to me on a few different levels simply b/c I’ve never had this worry before. I don’t even really know what I’m worried about, except that if this stays in my mind all evening I can’t function… can’t talk to anyone, can’t focus enough to watch tv or do anything, cant do anything but feel like dying. But it’ll never leave me unless I take action or at least decide to go on inspite of it being on my mind… but I cannot decide anything. Right now it’s impossible for me to commit to any descision, and it drives me crazy. Also, I don’t fear bacteria so why the hell do I wanna take another shower? Besides, my bathtub is clean, so really, there’s not much bacteria in there anyway.
Sometimes I think I’m obsessed with having a clear mind, and if any obsession gets into my head I go crazy, especially if it’s a new one I don’t know how to deal with. I mean, all my life I have had wack shit going in and out of my head but for some reason lately I feel I cannot tolerate even the most minor of obsessions. A lot of times I know the best thing to do is just go on in spite of the obsession and not fight it and eventually the anxiety drops, but I just feel so drained and really have no desire to just live life that I simply cannot put up with the pain of having any turmoil in my mind.
Anyway, I’m not even sure what the fuck to do right now, so I guess I’ll just do what I always do in this situation… hit the bong and have a smoke. Doesn’t solve nothing, but it’ll kill some time and soon I’ll be tired enough to go to bed. Then I can wake up and live these horrors all over again…