I just want to things to get normal again. I want the room to stop falling out from under me. I want to stop looking over my shoulder. I want someone, anyone in my life to tell me things are okay.
It all comes down I guess, to things and how they have panned out….how I can’t make things better for myself. I left college because all my friends turned on me when I had depression, which was devastating. I came back to college this year, healthier, stronger, but I still find myself looking for solace with the same girls who have said "they’ve changed". I don’t feel like they have. I can’t ask them to do more, so I live with the reality of things. All the favors I do for them, times I put myself out there for them, I can’t expect anything. I know I should just cut my losses, but I don’t know how to, I feel so ashamed, so….awful…like I deserve this, like I’m weird, Iike I’m unreasonable. I feel like I’m the one who is crazy and they’re the ones who are normal, but the thing they do…..Amy my psychologist says it is a very destructive group of immature girls…but she doesn’t have to deal with them. with this
Coming back here and failing, it makes me feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, I am no longer me. I am noone. I have been erased. If you don’t text or call me back, I actually don’t exsist. How can I exsist again? Tell me now and I’ll do anything to be me again. To be safe again. So much of me feels sick when I am tied to these awful people, people who don’t hate me anymore, they just have no concept of me as a human being, like they used to. I want to cry, and am crying. Don’t know how to move on or how to trust again. I want to just concentrate on school, but I know that in the end that is not enough for me, that I need more and have no way of getting it.