This is more of a rant. Because the person I usually rant to is the cause of this rant. So..ugh.

I've been out of a relationship for 6 months. I haven't completely isolated myself (well, I did at first for a while.) I've been hanging out with friends, trying to be social again and so on. Taking good care of myself, making sure I dont look really bad when I go out but not over-doing it. Trying to put myself out there and at least make friends. It's not a fun endeavor for me, but I'll go nuts from lonliness if I don't at least try.

My friend, codename Jane for now, has been out of a relationship for two days. She got dumped saturday, and on sunday night, she confessed to me that she's already had sex with 2 guys (same night) and today, she's 'getting laid' at noon. In her text to me, she said, "It's made me feel better, it got (X-boyfriend) off my mind. I forgot how attractive I am."

You forgot how…wtf…..you….I don't even. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not. I love this girl as a friend and all, and I'm not judging her for jumping into bed with other guys (Honestly, she's single and so are they. that's their business and they're not messing with anyone else's relationships. Go for it.) <—but that's just it. I have the freedom to do that too. Really, its been six months, I'm lonely in more than one way. I'd be pretty open to a one night stand or two at the moment. But she (and several of my other friends) can walk to the vending machine to get a pop and get guys fawning all over her. Guys asking for her number. (Seriously, even my very pregnant friend can pull this off in sweatpants. WTF.) I make a conscious effort and I don't get a thing. No mattter where I go, no matter what I do, I'm avoided. The ONLY guy I've ever been with, the ONLY one interested in me, was on drugs. Heavy drugs, like snorting things and needle in the arm things. (Didn't know this when we got together, I'm not stupid.) But realizing that makes me feel horrible. As in, what is SO wrong with me that THAT'S the only guy I can attract? Am I really that messed up? I can spend an hour in the mirror telling myself over and over that I'm pretty and working on that stupid smile. By the time I leave my dorm, I believe it a little. Then I see another girl or a couple (or worse, one of my friends with multiple guys surrounding her as usual) and my little tiny bubble of self-confidence that I worked so hard to build is gone.

On top of that, I'm percieved as cold, unapproachable. People think I'm pissed off when I'm just…thinking. Not even about bad things. Just random stuff. Then I get the 'smile more' advice, but really, going around smiling at everyone? Walking around with a grin plastered on my face? That's how being social and getting guys works? Makes no sense and it's not who I am. Stupid INTJ tendencies. Maybe that's it. Being the 0.8% of the population with this combo ( and gender). Many times I do wish I could just switch for a night or two to feel like people like me for once.

Oh, and Jane and one of her new toys knocked on my door just now. What the hell. He's really cute and nice and she just nabbed him like that? I laughed and played it off but god I feel so much worse now.

1 Comment
  1. Andie372 8 years ago

     I'm sorry you're lonely.  And from your picture, I'd say you are pretty.  You're probably just not being overtly sexual like your friend.  I have found that the right person enters your life at the right time.  Sounds cliche as hell but it all has a way of working out.  

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