So this is my 3rd blog & I'm feeling rather welcome here on DT, so thanx to everyone that took/takes the time to review my blogs. I'm feeling somewhat better than yesterday in terms of emotional distress, but I can't shake the feeling of being pathetic & worthless… I try help others, but can't help myself… Does that make me something of a hypocrite? Anyway, I can't help but feel like a screw-up… I have no matric, no permanent job, my whole daughter issue, a haunting past (which I can't help but feel I'm being punished for in some way), no solid income, blah blah blah… Sigh… Why should I even have to worry about any of the above? Besides my daughter ofcourse. I/we have to live a deprived life all because of some asshole in whatever BC that wanted things his/her way… Take wars for example. So much death & trauma… And for what? Because 2 or more "leaders" (who 75% of the population never had an opinion ordescision in) want things to be their way… It's beyond me… I've been told countless times that I'm negative. But I disagree. I see myself as realistic. No sense in holding onto a broken dream or false hope. No point in lying to myself in an attempt to make myself feel better… Optimism often gets mistaken for unrealistic/false hope. There's a difference between giving up & knowing when you've had enough… Atleast that's what I think. My mind is an odd & unconventional place. It's both a blessing & a curse. No matter what I could ever do, the fact is, I have to lay my dreams to rest… Most of them anyway… They're way too far outta the ballpark for my layout in life. And why should this have to be the outcome? I don't understand how most of the world can live with itself on a day to day basis, taunting people with false hope & then capatalizing off them in order for them to achieve their own dreams… It's unfair & cruel. Knowing that waking up tomorrow, I can't achieve all I wish, because of others desires taking priority over mine/othersis very very disheartening… Why can't we all just share the cookies?Anyways, I wanna try keep this blog as short & as positive as possible for a change… I'm rather fluey & achey all of a sudden… Donno if the depression lowered my immune system or something… Ialways feel exceptionally crap, physically,after an episode… Thanx to anyone that took the time to read my blog. Peace.

2 Comments
  1. sasha1969 6 years ago

    Easier to help others with their problems than deal with our own.  We are too close to our own problems to see clearly. Hang in there.

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  2. elf 6 years ago

    Sasha is right. I think I wrote a couple of weeks ago abut being able to help others, but not myself. It's kind of like George Bailey and Clarence when they first meet in It's a Wonderful Life. Clarence jumps in the river pretending to drown so George will save him instead of him jumping in to drown himself. It's the same with me. Always helping others, but always at a loss as to how to help myself.

    As to your dreams and negativity or realism, that could be the depression talking. When I am really down, I hate the world and all the wickedness. It is all exagerated with my. As I come out of it, the world seems to get brighter and nicer. Now, there will always be evil and suffering in the world, but I don't let it overwhelm me when I am not depressed. As a first step, try to find something positive every day. Even if it is just enjoying a ray of sunshine for 5 minutes. Listen for a bird. Go to a park and people watch. It always warms my heart to see children having fun or catch a glimpse of young lovers (shoot watching old lovers still loving each other is wonderful!) Just findsomething each day to enjoy. As you do, you will discover more and more to enjoy. You will probably always be a realist and be aware of the evil and selfishness of the world; but don't let it run your life.

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