today i would of been married 23 years to my x.we were married on valentines day of 87.we got married because i was 16 and pregnate.i was 5 mths preg and he put me threw a wall,i started bleeding and it wouldnt stop.i lost the baby.i guess i should of seen it comming i had been beat most of my life it started when i was 1 then my mom remarried when i little he made my mom nice i wont forget the day he was killed in a car reck.i knew my life would go back to shambles and they eventually did.i left home when i was 13 and started drinking.my boyfriend who eventually became my husband .i remember it seemed like i was pregnate all the time i had 3 kids in a roll by him .i raised kids and babysitted kids while he slept with all my friends.then come home and beat me.then one night i had all my nephews and my 3 kids,he stabed me ,he beat me,he broke my nose in two places cracked my skull.when i finally got away from him i ran and he was shooting at me.i layed bleeding in a ditch realizing noone noone ever realy loves you.the ones you think do will hurt you the most.ya i took him back when i got out of the hospital.long enough to be beat again and then he went to prison and i started using meth,i was killing the pain so i thought.i overdossed was in the er and they said i wouldnt live threw the night.i woke up 5 days latter.having panic attacks,its been 17 years and i still have them.my x has been in and out of prison actually hes there now.i remarried a man who raised my kids.now there grown and gone,all married with kids i have 7 grandkids.i panic everyday and i hate my life.i have learned one thing,panic attacks dont go away and the only one who is always there for you is you….and god loves you…why me i dont know….everyone i loved has left or died.i came up on a wreck a dead girl young i couldnt save her …no matter how much you know medically some times it wont helppp……………….i will end this with a question if i wake up tommoro will it be any better will the panic,and crazy thoughts go away??? have i gone mad?……the mad hatter