It's been months since I've logged on here. I don't know what prompt me to log on today. Perhaps it may be the fact that I've been crying alone in the dark for the last few hours…
I feel like I'm losing myself in my relationship but I don't want to admit it. It's been 3.5 years and we're still in love, however I'm still in a constant battle with myself.
I have been very supportive to my boyfriend, and as of late I have stopped complaining about everything that upsets or bothers me. It is extremely difficult, but he is too wound up in his career to even notice. Whenever we are together it is as though he has no energy left to spend time with me. He would never fall asleep on a client, but knowing we have limited time to spend together, he feels as though he is entitled to "take naps". I find it so disrespectful.
We barely have in depth conversations anymore. I feel as though I am still treated as #2 in his life after his career. I feel as though I can't even express my emotions and feelings to him anymore b/c any time I have within the last few months, he just acts as if its nothing. Whenever we have an argument, its like his brain is on autopilot to say "maybe we should just break up then".
I just want my friend back. I want to be able to smile at him without my heart hurting every time I do. I can't help it if I'm stressed all the time and I am constantly thinking about everything else around me. Its as though the intimacy between us has started to fade.
It is so upsetting that he has to ask me before every occasion (such as valentines) whether we are celebrating or not. Whether he has to get a card or not. Or why he thinks every occasion is a money scam.
Is it that difficult for him just to do something nice for me anymore out of the goodness of his heart?
My social friendships are limited. My life feels like it is going no where. I don't want to leave my relationship, but its sad to admit that it feels like it hasn't progessed much lately and I don't know what to do to change it.
Thank goodness I have not fallen back into my depression yet, however my feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem have increased…