Hi there! I know how it feels to be afraid of your own mind. I’ve been struggling with OCD since I was 11 years old and my very first intrusive thoughts were harm thoughts. Harm towards random strangers or acquaintances, friends and especially the people I love most.
At the time I was unaware of my OCD and just assumed that I was psychopath and just a deeply disturbed person. I was extremely torn up about it! I never ever wanted or want to hurt anyone and I know I never would but the question would raise “if im obsessing and can’t quit thinking about these things does that mean that deep down inside I’m really that kind of person?” I felt shame and couldn’t talk about what I was experiencing for the fear of others misunderstanding or judging my character.
So I hide it and avoided triggers such as knives, guns, anything sharp or pointy, specific tv shows law in order, criminals minds, medium etc. you get the idea. Which now as I have learned only fed the OCD even more making it worse and continuing the vicious cycle inside my head. I eventually came to terms with the thoughts by justifying “that if I feel this guilty over a thought then I could never be the kind of person to do such things”. So after awhile I took comfort in feeling the shame and the guilt because it was a reminder that as long as I felt bad I wouldn’t be that kind of person. And I justified and justified the thoughts until I got used to the obsession and then I began to not feel guilty which threw me into a cycle of panic because I no longer take comfort in my justification. My next cycle was ” if I don’t feel bad about thinking these things then that means I could be the kind of person to do such terrible things” which now thinking back on it kind of makes me laugh because I obviously still felt the guilt and the shame. This started my phase of checking and re-checking which is to say that instead of avoiding these triggers I would purposefully place myself in situations that would trigger these thoughts to “check” to see how I felt about them afterwards. And the cycle continued and continued.

I eventually out grew my harm thoughts over time. It’s a terribly hard and exhausting thing to experience but what you have to understand, which is hard I know, that a thought is just that in itself, a thought. It is not an action. You did not do this thing that is upsetting you and because it’s troubling you means that you don’t want to. Take comfort that you aren’t alone in this. And when the thoughts come remind yourself that it’s just that, a thought. I really hope this helps.