Does anybody else get thoughts in their heads to do things that they know are terrible, but the thoughts dwell anyways? I’ve had this going on since I was at least in late elementary or early middle school. Some of them would be things to harm myself. I would be on the highway traveling at fast speeds and I would hear a thought say “I wonder how much it would hurt if I just jumped out right now” What scares me the most is when I think about hurting others. Just recently while we had a storm come through I lingered on the thought of letting one or both of my dogs out in the heavy rain and gusting winds. I was curious how they would do and actually was slightly amused by the thought. It really bothered me because I couldn’t stop the way I felt. You have to understand that my dogs mean the world to me. I’ve spent a lot of money on their well-being. I go out of my way to make sure they lead a happy and healthy life. I truly do unconditionally love both of them.  I have long days either at work or just life in general and those two are the ones that keep me sane and give me reason to be happy.

These aren’t voices in my head. They’re thoughts. Kind of like when you’re reminding yourself of a to-do list.

It might make me feel better if I had these thoughts about bullies or people that treated me bad. At least with that I feel like there’s justification. But these thoughts are usually towards people or things that are helpless and that I know I could do things towards.

It makes me feel like a monster. Luckily I don’t act upon them, but what the hell is wrong with me?

10 Comments
  1. bridgie101 3 years ago

    As a child I had ideas of hurting animals, did not do it and in fact if the brother threw a kitten in the air I would rush to save it. But I would toy with these ideas.

    And on boats I used to have to stay away from the side because I’d spend the whole trip saying ‘gee what if I jumped off’? I mean big boats. Ferries that couldn’t stop and save me. “yea but what if I jumped out? right now?” And I’d daydream about it.

    They were real ideas, and real thoughts. I don’t know why they came, but I did grow out of them. I did have a worry at one point that I would some day be obliged somehow to act on them. But I never was. I let it all go and it’s gone, but I don’t know how.

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    • ucfdarkknight 3 years ago

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my blog.

      I’m so relieved I’m not the only one who’s experienced this.

      I remember vaguely having similar thoughts when I was on a boat, but it wasn’t as bad as being in a car. I think because on a boat my fear of heights quickly sank in and I focused on that

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    • ucfdarkknight 3 years ago

      @bridgie101 thank you

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  2. sjones2011 3 years ago

    Hi there! I know how it feels to be afraid of your own mind. I’ve been struggling with OCD since I was 11 years old and my very first intrusive thoughts were harm thoughts. Harm towards random strangers or acquaintances, friends and especially the people I love most.
    At the time I was unaware of my OCD and just assumed that I was psychopath and just a deeply disturbed person. I was extremely torn up about it! I never ever wanted or want to hurt anyone and I know I never would but the question would raise “if im obsessing and can’t quit thinking about these things does that mean that deep down inside I’m really that kind of person?” I felt shame and couldn’t talk about what I was experiencing for the fear of others misunderstanding or judging my character.
    So I hide it and avoided triggers such as knives, guns, anything sharp or pointy, specific tv shows law in order, criminals minds, medium etc. you get the idea. Which now as I have learned only fed the OCD even more making it worse and continuing the vicious cycle inside my head. I eventually came to terms with the thoughts by justifying “that if I feel this guilty over a thought then I could never be the kind of person to do such things”. So after awhile I took comfort in feeling the shame and the guilt because it was a reminder that as long as I felt bad I wouldn’t be that kind of person. And I justified and justified the thoughts until I got used to the obsession and then I began to not feel guilty which threw me into a cycle of panic because I no longer take comfort in my justification. My next cycle was ” if I don’t feel bad about thinking these things then that means I could be the kind of person to do such terrible things” which now thinking back on it kind of makes me laugh because I obviously still felt the guilt and the shame. This started my phase of checking and re-checking which is to say that instead of avoiding these triggers I would purposefully place myself in situations that would trigger these thoughts to “check” to see how I felt about them afterwards. And the cycle continued and continued.

    I eventually out grew my harm thoughts over time. It’s a terribly hard and exhausting thing to experience but what you have to understand, which is hard I know, that a thought is just that in itself, a thought. It is not an action. You did not do this thing that is upsetting you and because it’s troubling you means that you don’t want to. Take comfort that you aren’t alone in this. And when the thoughts come remind yourself that it’s just that, a thought. I really hope this helps.

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    • ucfdarkknight 3 years ago

      @sjones2011 your reply really did help. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to not only read my blog, but to also take the time to write such an in depth reply

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  3. alikat5544 3 years ago

    I actually woke up this morning to my lovely OCD first thing. The worst of my OCD is harm OCD and today I woke up to the word suicide(I have had suicidal obsessions before). I couldn’t get it out of my head, but coming on here and seeing your post really helped! As long as we have others we can do this 🙂

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  4. delane 3 years ago

    ***Hugs***
    UFCDK, what you described isn’t too strange, after all. i’ve had those thoughts a lot, myself…. i’ve also been one to question wth’s wrong with me to make the thoughts so dark or deadly–or both. Sometimes, we just have to change our focus for a bit….(well, ok, that’s what i’ve been told, and when it works, it’s good)
    Other times, it’s great to have some support–someone to lean on and share with that can actually understand some possible reasoning behind those thoughts. i dunno if it’ll help you, but anytime you need a shoulder, feel free…. you know the drill.

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    • ucfdarkknight 3 years ago

      @delane thank you. it’s nice to just be able to write my thoughts here and not feel judged. it’s even better when kind people like you take the time to reply to my blogs

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      • delane 3 years ago

        sometimes, we’re all we’ve got, ya know? we have to keep each other going….(*we=friends/this site)
        i can only do so much, so i try to just be….myself.
        ***hugs***

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