Well, I am about 99% sure my life is over. I'm 21 years old, and I'm a junior in college. I still live at home with my mom, it's just she and I living here becuase my stepdad moved out when he beat my mom up 6 months ago. Since then, she's been a head case. I've been trying to take care of her as best as I can, and in the process I started to lose myself. I began taking her Vicodin and finding myself drinking more. My grades were alright, thankfully. My friends noticed I was losing touch with life and I have only told a few of them what happened, since my mom FORBADE me to tell anyone. Anyways, fast forward to now and in my quest for sanity I started to talking to my ex boyfriend again. He and I dated all throughout high school and the first two years of college, so needless to say we have a history. I haven't told my mom yet that we're back together becuase when I was younger she was always in my business and blamed everything I did that wasn't perfect on Taylor. Whenever we're together and she knows about it, she searches my room and reads my emails and text messages and doesn't let me out of the house. This wouldn't be a problem for a normal person my age that lives at home, but my mom is epecially controlling and nosy. That is why I haven't told her yet. My friends and my brother know, but I can't bring myself to tell her because I'm afraid of what she'll say.
So, my mom not knowing is a huge issue as of right now because I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.
My period is over a month late, I had a week where I had intermittent cramps, and I feel completely nauseous almost all the time, and I've been peeing 24/7.
My main concern with telling my mom I'm pregnant is that
A. I'm overweight and my mom has a SEVERE eating disorder and body dysmorphia. She'll make me feel terrible about myself the duration of my pregnancy to the point where I will go crazy. She does already, but I can only imagine what else she'll think of. Obviously I'm not disgustingly obese since I have a boyfriend, but my mom sees me that way
B. I would get an abortion, but I don't think I could handle it and I don't think my boyfriend would be okay with it. Also, my mom had an abortion when she was my age and if she found out she'd never forgive me.
C. I am terrified about what she'll do to me becauase her life is already in shambles and this will cause her extra stress. She over values my family's opinion of her (NOT ME) and once the rest of my family finds out it'll all go to hell. She'll be mad at me for the rest of her life for making her brothers think less of her and for making my oldest brother, who is married to a preacher's daughter, think of her as a bad mom and me as trash.
I think my boyfriend will be okay with me being pregnant, but obviously he'll be scared. I don't know how I'm going to tell my best friend, she has a 2 year old daughter and she lectures me all the time about unprotected sex.
I'm also afraid that people will find out before I'm ready because I won't be out drinking and partying like I normally am on the weekends. If I am pregnant, I'm going to keep it under wraps for as long as I possibly can.
So essentially, I am in some trouble if that pee stick says positive. I'm just absolutely petrified of taking the test because I think I know what it's going to say.
Some words of encouragement and advice would be apprectiated, as I am on the edge of a breakdown right now.