Well, I'm back again. Feeling really anxious today. I've had ups and downs all day long and it's making even me hate myself. My husband has been very patient with me, but I'm about to lose it. School is stressful enough, but one of my closest friends has been dealing with the decline of her poor mother for the past ten months(she had terminal cancer) and finally passed away Thursday. It has been very emotional and straining on my ability to focus at school and stay calm in general once I'm alone. When I'm with my friend I'm very strong and protective. Now her mother has passed away and I actually never got to meet her.
This all follows a very tough Fall 2011 when I went through the rollercoaster of finding out I was pregnant finally in October only to have a horrible, long miscarriage follow after 8 weeks of pregnancy. All the horrors of that I may save for another time. But I think I'm still hurting from that and trying to be everything and everyone I need to be. But I'm only so strong, and I've been trying to start some new health goals for myself and train for a 5k race coming up in March. I'm very excited about this goal because for one I've always wanted to be a runner, but always put myself down and avoided it. Now I've been running at least weekly and have gone from a size 18, since last I was on this site, to a size 14. I'm planning on going down, down, down. It's been tough changing my lifestyle and being so busy. It has been hard on me relationship wise with my husband and my friend who is a stay-at-home mom.
And my birthday is coming up which never ceases to freak me out! Despite my ideas of it being fun, it just ends up giving me a sense of dread and makes me dwell too much on my mortality. I really want to run away again. I need to get a million miles away from everything…My pets, my generous and understanding husband who plays video games and reads incessantly, my friend who guilts me while trying to sound sympathetic, my poor friend who is trying to stay sane while her mother goes out of her life(at least physically), my friend who doesn't eat enough and exercises way too much, my friend who can't make up her mind about her boyfriend or what to name her blog, and strangers who try to convince me that I need to go to church(which feels like one more log on the fire), horrible exes who try to contact me on Facebook, my office which needs to be organized after I painted a beautiful mural in it, my inability to finish my photography project for school because I over think it, and a million other things.