I don't know what it is about the night but I feel creative, , and even go as far as making plans for changing my life on the next day but as soon as I wake up I feel like I have no motovation like I had last night. It really makes me mad, because I go to bed thinking that I will carry out whatever plans I devised for the following day and then morning comes, all the positive thoughts are gone and a sudden rush of fear and anxiety hit me all at once. It's frustrating. I always thought I was alone, but talking and reading I now know I am not alone, even though at times I feel it. Growing up I always hated mornings, I always said I was not a morning person. I use to sleep in late just to avoid that morning feeling, but it did not help when I woke it was there. As the day went on my moods improved. I also find that sunlight plays a part in my moods, the more sun the more positive I feel. It is not a cure all but it helps. January and Febuary are my worst months I think because of the let down after the holidays and the winter months, cold and lack of sunlight. It hard for people to understand what you feel like unless they have gone through it themselves, they try to understand but unless they walked in my shoes they will not know. I have tried medcations over the years, it helps somewhat, but the mornings are the same with or without meds, it is an awful feeling of dread, then half way through the day leaves me only to return the next morning. Lately I have been doing a lot of writing hoping to sort out my feelings. At times it feels like we live in a box, perhaps of are own making. I find journaling helps, if anything it clears your head.

Today I woke up and the feeling of dread did not greet me, why was today different, could this be the turning point where the dread leaves for a while. As I went through the day I tried to keep busy and even got outside for walks in the daylight. By afternoon the feeling was back it was sudden, crushing awful, it dropped my bottom out. Why the change, why now, this is suppose to be the good time of day. Try as I might the change was real, even if I did not know why. I had things I was going to do but now the fear has me held down, how long will it last, the night will be long. Thinking back to this morning I was happy that the tears were gone, even if i wanted to cry I couldnt. I guess I should of seen this tide turning, the calm before the storm. After all the waves I have rode out you would think I would have it figured out. There is a pattern to this depression, even if I dont know the reason why it comes back around.
Today the morning found me busy , more at peace more like myself. Its still cold and dark, but there is light. As I go through the day I am remembering some talks I have had, talks about life and me. I have always prided myself on control, but guess what I dont have any, everything I thought I controled, controls me. I dont leave the house because the kids and animals need me and I think I can control the out comes of things so it keeps me tied here. It has gone on for so long it is a comfort. I know deep down we have little control over things that is why when I cook dinner or decide on something, and someone changes it, it throws me for a loop because I feel like I have no control. I know in thinking we can only control how we react and do things, we do not control the world. But I can also see now , how the world can control us if we let it. I need to do for me in the future and not try to control those around me. In trying to control I have lost a lot of who I am. I am humane, I make mistakes, I need work, but I also am a person that deserves to be happy. I need to not live in fear of others and what they think and how I think they might react. A lot of times I react before the other persons acts. Not sure where all this is heading but its good to get it out.

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