Well, we didn't go to the beach last night for turtle watching, my son was too tired. He conked out around 9:30 and my husband and I followed suit pretty quickly. The heat just really takes it out of you, especially with the high humidity. You sweat but you never cool off.

So today we're going to do a cookout with our friends at their place today, and then there's another hockey game on. I like hockey but I can't handle the volume they watch it at and the craziness that goes with it, so Michelle and I will probably spend most of the duration of it outside talking and just trying to relax. Once again we'll be taking separate cars because I just can't handle 6 hours of spending time in a busy environment. Zach will be worn out too. He might be spending the night at his friend's house again anyhow. I haven't decided yet if he can go. I don't want them to get used to having a sleep over every weekend.

Yesterday I realized something that made me sad. I'm not satisfied with my life. I'm actually unhappy with it. I love my family and they're not part of the problem, I think they and the friends I have and on Dtribe and Facebook are what keeps me going. But I don't have a life to speak of really. I spend my days mostly alone (which isn't awful, but it's not healthy) and on the computer for hours. Then I journal and watch nature. In the evenings is the worst because I'm so bored because everyone is doing something different and nobody is together. So again I have to find something to amuse myself or keep myself entertained with. I don't really watch tv ~ I don't like it much. So that leaves books for the most part. And at this point I don't feel like playing violin much either. It's been days since I've touched it. I just wonder what's the point when I have nothing to prepare for, no one to share my music with.

I need to find things to do each week that keep me in contact with people and that I find interesting or fun. Working only two days a week is not enough in some ways ~ financially or mentally I guess. But if I take on more than that I get really bad anxiety and end up calling out one of those days. I get overwhelmed too easily.

I've tried arts and crafts, beading and making jewelry, small scale sculpturing with clay, painting and scrapbooking, and none of it holds my attention for more than a few months at best. I'm thinking I'm going to take a college course every semester until the spring of 2014 so I can keep my teaching license. At least that will keep me somewhat busy. It will have to be online which I'm nervous about because I've never done that before. I like being in a classroom instead, that's where I do really well. I don't like the lack of human contact that goes with the computerized courses. I hate the idea of having to email my professor every time I have a question about something. It feels dehumanizing somehow.

When Zachary and Heidi both finally start summer camp I'll be able to do an overhaul on my life, or at least begin to. I've got to leave the house more often and get involved in something. Maybe I'll start going to Zumba at the local recreation center twice a week and have a library day once a week or so. Just sitting at home doing nothing is driving me crazy I think. I feel more depressed and sad when I'm at home doing nothing. That's why I look forward so much to seeing my friends Mindy and Michelle on the weekends. Unfortunately I can't always count on that to happen, people have their own lives to tend to as well.

Anybody have any ideas for me? Like I said in a past blog I want to get involved in advocacy for mental health or maybe volunteering at a local retirement facility or something. My only issue is that it's got to be on my terms and when I can do it, they can't need to depend on me. I need to be able to go when I feel like I can emotionally. Stupid illness! It causes so much trouble and it makes me so mad that I can't be relied upon. I never used to be like this until I got so sick. I never really recovered from that and my self-confidence still isn't good. Neither is my self-esteem.

Why is it that depression seems to go with those issues as well as anxiety and loneliness? Is it a problem we all have, or is it just a few of us? I hate not feeling "good enough" for things or people, just as I hate feeling alone emotionally, like when people can't understand or cope with how I'm feeling. Sometimes I wish I could lay my hand on them and let them experience what I feel through touch. I wouldn't want it to stay with them, just give them a taste so they'd have empathy and understanding for what I go through most every day. That would be a true gift.

Well I guess I better help Aaron get the ribs ready to cook in the oven for a few hours. We BBQ them after we get themtender and juicy first. I think we've almost perfected our recipe for them.

Despite my lingering sadness over the state of my life right now I hope things will improve today. I hope you enjoy your Saturday and have a nice afternoon.



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