wow its like chatroulette is my only source of dopamine release.
I am severely PMS-ing… but I am also using it as an excuse to be completely anti-social and a total fucking bitch to frank… and it's like i dont even care.
Our apartment still looks like a fucking disaster.
All i ever feel is misery lately. I feel so fucking repulsive.
We had sex earlier today but as usual it was as exciting as stepping in dog shit hahahaha… wow I'm a really fucking awful human being and I should just break up with Frank if i feel this shitty because I really drag him down A LOT. And I don't blame him… I never want to go anywhere or do anything… everything either stresses me out or bores me and I have absolutely no friends and no hobbies at all.
At this rate, I really feel like I am going to die of bad mood.
I really want to start running.. like, for real this time… but I really don't make the time and I'll find any excuse not to go.. like "oohhh…. I'd rather go super-early in the morning" or "oohhh I should wait until I digest" or blahblahblahhhj jlksadjfl;asdfj.. ya knowww…
Spring is here but it's like I feel shittier than usual.
Yesterday Song took me w/ her to a new client and I made a total ass of myself… it was really hot out yesterday to begin with and I was sweating a lot, and Song told the client that I went to Pratt and I was on the Dean's list, etc etc and I started blushing like a crazy person and even the client said "You're blushing!"… I WANTED TO DIE. So humiliating. I totally blew it (socially). I have been blushing quite a bit lately… I know it's mostly PMS… I hate how I'm one of those people whose PMS ruins their fucking life.
I feel extremely tired and weak and run-down… I slept A LOT today and I still feel like shit.
I am just generally so afraid of myself and I am so compartmentalized and I feel like I'm always lying/not really being myself in some way.
I am also really worried that Melissa can't stand working with me… which might explain why she never invites me out w/ her and her friends after work… literally NOT ONCE.
Honestly, the only thing in my life keeping me going that makes me smile at all is the guy I'm seeing online who I met the first night I tried chatroulette… chances are he's a really wacked out dude, considering he clearly condones whatever kind of relationship we have… like, I love it but it sucks because I cant have sex with him but i know he's dying to have sex w/ me and it's such a big fucking turn-on. The problem is that I never get any alone-time on the computer. I must really get a laptop for myself because this fucking suckss!!! I have not told Frank about this at all and I feel like a fucking dishonest fucking scumbag and I'm really afraid it will catch up with me karmically… although in a lot of ways Frank has sewed his own goddamn poison because he is completely unaware of how he has hurt me so much in the past and he literally will never ever understand so fuck it.
I mean, why shouldn't I enjoy this if it makes me happy? and i really think it does… I think this guy is pretty cool.. and the best part? He fucking showers me with compliments like I've never heard in my life!! it's definitely a huge boost for my ego, which i really need.. and who doesn't?
I know that the bests thing for me would be to break up with Frank.. and probably just move to a different state and start over. But of course I am afraid and I am really living in darkness. And I realize I am not really living at all because I always feel so fucking miserable… like 24 hours a day.