The sooner we can be honest with ourselves about what we see and feel, the less pain we must endure. If we lie to ourselves about who or what the other person is because we are in love with being in love or just want to be in a relationship, the truth will always win out, usally within the first few years. When we do anything with unhealthy motives, we get what we get. There is no healthy motive for a relationship other than that we love someone and wish to share our life with them. This takes real self knowledge and maturity and serious honesty – the kind that can only come when we fully accept that it is the only way to success. Unhappiness is the distance between reality and what we want. So we must either be very realistic about our expectations or suffer very painful consequences. We can have relationships with unhealthy motives but we cant do so successfully unless we keep our expectations realistic. The most important questions to ask ourselves about our prospective partner are:
Do I really know him/her?
Do I trust them completely?
Do I like him/her? ( The most important question, I think)
The key to a long term relationship is commitment; making a decision that giving up is not an option – because it is NEVER easy. The last stage of a long term relationship is " friendship," and , without real commitment to grow and learn and get through the difficult times, we will never get there. This is the stage where we know and trust someone completly ( which can only be accomplished with time ) and have the hand of the person we love to hold while we walk the last of our path of life. I wish this for all of us but, unfortunately, it is a rare gift these days.
Our feelings are going to come out – one way or another. If we cant communicate about the things we think and feel and resolve the issues that cause pain, fear and stress, they will come out in all sorts of ways that are all negative and destructive to our relationship.
A healthy relationship is two whole people coming face to face to share their lives – like two circles touching. Our tendency, of course , is to both question the other persons circle and to then assume that if they have a chuck missing, we can fill it in, It just doesnt work that way.
I wish you love and happiness , and if you are in a relationship. I hope you will at least consider these things…..
Beautifully written. Excellent wisdom. Thanks for sharing your insights and I dare say…experience.
thats a real good piece of writing there, i remember flying out to SF to see a friend I made online, she was a bit older and wiser than me, she had been on these sites for years and met many guys, but she seemed to skip the pain, the answer was, she had NO expectations on meeting where it would go, yeah we are human and hope it fly's and this will be the one, but in reality it usually is not, unless like you said we create that illusion or lie to ourselves.
I have seen so many people online, and sometimes without ever meeting in person yet or just having met once, start going full bore with the …I Love You…I can't live without you , you get the idea, and they wonder why it never worked, it was cut off at the knees before it had a chance to grow and develop.
No expectations is not a easy thing to reach, especially in the peculiar situation we are in with meeting someone, but that PAIN is sure to follow if you rush it, and I am speaking from expierence of making that lesson, baby does it hurt, we build this fantasy in our head, that is maybe halfway achieveable after a lifetime together, but not in a weekend or everyday on IM.
So thank you for really spelling it out in detail, but most people won't listen to anything any of us has said, they need to go through the lesson, and maybe several times.
take care Faith.