I'm afraid this journal entry won't be a happy-go-lucky one. I'm needing to vent someplace where the people I live with won't see. I guess this is the place to do it…
*sigh* Where do I begin?
About a half a year ago I moved from Western Washington to the state of Minnesota. Washington was more than a home for me… it was fulfilling in a way I could perceive, but couldn't quite understand until I left it behind.
There are few cedar trees to speak of here in the Twin Cities. Most of the trees here have lost their leaves and the world is morbidly devoid of green. There are no mountains here. The only thing that breaks the horizon are skyscrapers.
Here's the truth: The only reason I'm in this state is because of my boyfriend.
I met "Minz" online about a year and a half ago. We hit it off and fell in love. After many visits and a lot of conversation, we realized that we really belonged together. We had planned for me to move in with him in January 2008. But, of course, that didn't work out.
I had a falling out with my roommates and I moved back in with my parents. They were happy to have me back in the house, but I knew I couldn't stand to stay there long… My parents kind of drive me crazy.
Because my living situation was so rough, Minz suggested that I move in much sooner.. so within two months I was arriving at the Minneapolis/Saint Paul train station with as many of my things as I could pack. (Which, unfortunately, wasn't much.)
Life here in Minnesota has been okay. I'm stuck inside a lot more than I'm used to…. Summer's way too hot to go outside and Winter's way too cold. The weather here is forbidding, that's for sure. I play a lot of videogames now. I bake. When I can afford a sketch book, I draw. All-in-all, though, it feels more like surviving than living.
The only thing that really makes me happy here is my boyfriend. He's the sweetest guy, and he's incredibly supportive… something I really wasn't used to with my roommates back home. He helped me get in touch with a therapist out here who's working with me free of charge (due to my low income)
My therapist Michael's a decent guy as far as I can tell. It's an interesting thing, how it all works. Hopefully he can help me get on meds soon. I'm rapidly deteriorating and I'm terrified of the havoc it will wreak on my home life.
One of the things that working with Michael has made me realize is the importance of pets in my life. We have a dog and a cat here in the house, but they're "spoken for" in a sence. Chessie the cat loves Maya my roommate. Our dog Grover is wholly devoted to Brent, Maya's husband.
I think I need a kitten of my own. I had a cat back home and I had to leave her behind when I moved out here….then she ran away, I guess. I've been devastated by the loss, and I think it's time for me to get another. Unfortunately, my boyfriend has been really hesitant. He just doesn't like animals. He's starting to come 'round, but I get the feeling he's going to try and make it a family pet instead of my own. I feel the distinction is important….
…Perhaps because I'm considering what may happen in the future… should I have to leave. I wouldn't want to get close to her and leave her behind again. It would kill me.
Bleh. It's getting to me, I think. Really getting to me.
More and more I want to be alone and more and more I realize how terrified being alone makes me. The conflict in me leaves me feeling unsettled…. unhappy. Ill at ease. I can't sleep without my boyfriend near me… I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
To put it quite blankly, I'm falling out of touch with the world. As winter sets in, my mind is slowly but surely shutting down. I'm getting… stupid. I can't think. I can't speak. My clarity is going…. not that it was so great to begin with.
I'm sick of the mental vacations. I want to be here and present without extraordinary amounts of soul-crushing sadness.
I want to be able to function normally in society without fear or extreme detatchment.
I honestly just want to be normal. I want to survive, but I just don't know anymore. I just don't know.