Today was an ok day. I did not sleep well, I know this will not help my mood. I hope I can sleep better tomorrow. I still have confusing thoughts about the relationship I am in. I know my therapist says it is ok to feel the way I do but I feel guilty that I treat him this way. I do not know if I want to be in this relationship. I do know I do not want want to be alone. I feel I am using him for companianship and safety. I am not sure I "love" him but I tell him I do. I know I do not want to marry him, but he wants to marry me. I wonder all the time why he stays, I feel I am not worthy of being loved. At the same time I am soo afraid of not being loved. I do not think I can exsist alone. These are only some of the crazy thoughts scurring through my head all the time.
Everyone thinks I just feel this way now and then, because most the time I can remember to keep my mouth shut and not talk about it. Every now and then though, Iloose focus and talk openly about my feelings. Boy do I regreat it soon after. I hope these blogs will let me express my feeling with out being judged by people who do not understand. Maybe then I will stop trying to find answers from people that think I have really 'lost it'.
My kids have had several 'meetings' with me in the past few years. Telling me my feelings are not normal, I tell them I know, and they get upset. They think I do not take thier concerns seriously, but I do. I need to hide it better from them, from my boyfriend too, He keeps telling my kids he is concerned about me. I ama very blunt person, if you ask the right question I WILL give you the true answer. Example "What is wrong, what are you thinking" I say "You don't want to know, its stupid and it will pass." He say "No tell me, what are you thinking." I say "That I wonder how long before you realize I am too crazy to be around and you leave, like the others." Now I told him it was stupid and it will pass, and it does, and it is stupid. I KNOW. I wish people would trust that I know myself enough to get help when I need it.
You tell me…… Can a person that has had depression all thier life. Gone to therapists been on meds all thier life,be trusted to know when we are in trouble? I kinda like the crazy part of me. Well most the time.