2:09 pm 8/7/09 Friday

I wanted to check out picasa to see if anyone has uploaded pictures tagged "sexy" as a way of hiding from anxiety and decided instead to write in here as a way of acknowledging my anxiety and expressing it. I need to re-organize my schedule and move all the tasks that didn't get done to a different day. I have a lot of trouble organizing my time and tend to overschedule myself and then get mad at myself for not getting everything done. I feel this panic like I am so far behind that my world will collapse because of all the things I haven't done that need to be done and should have been done. I feel this tremendous pressure on myself , like a vise squeezing my head, from the anxiety that I am falling further and further behind. Then I get resentful and despairing and want to just give up and do nothing except surf for sexy pictures on the web as a way of numbing my fears and my feeling of being overwhelmed.  It becomes my way of rebelling. I repeat this putting pressure on myself and then rebelling against the pressure by doing nothing constructive. It is a pattern or cycle that I keep repeating. Writing in the blog helps me to break away from the rebellious escape through sexual web surfing which becomes my way of avoiding work. When I write in the blog, I feel a little calmer, almost like I am meditating as I write.

2:16 (7 minutes of journaling, my goal is to do 20 minutes total per day).

I want to copy my blog entries into my journal but haven't done that because part of me feels like it is a waste of time and i get panicky again. I am reminded of the story of Martha and Mary where Martha is so driven and compulsive and resentful and can't relax and is jealous of Mary who can relax and soak in Jesus's presence.

(Luke 10:38-42). As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

 41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed.a]">[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.

 

Help me God to be choose the better part.

2:22 pm (7 plus 6 equals 13 minutes)

Had a dream about my dad last night. My dad is 90 and still in decent health mentally and physically. In the dream, my dad had some visitors from the old country , two cousins that he hadn't seen  in a while. We invited them into the home. He was happy to see them. i woke up feeling a little sad because I think that my dad will be going to see some of his relatives in heaven in the next few years. I don't know how much longer he will be with me here. I  want to spend more time with him talking to him. I never really talked that much to Dad and I worry that once he is gone, i will regret not having spent more time with him one on one.

2:26 pm (13 plus 4 equals 17 minutes of blogging)

Part of me hates growing up and taking on adult responsibilities. I resent and fear taking on adult responsibilities.  I ask God to help me let go of my resentments and fears.

In my minds's eye, I see an image of fire burning, the symbol of Pentecost. I ask the Spirit to heal me of my anxieties and resentment.

2:28 pm

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4:05 pm

Still struggling with urge to find erotic distractions through sexual web surfing. Asking God to help me stay focused.

4:05 pm

 

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