My room is on the second story. Through a wall of sliding glass doors I see my mother’s painstakingly nutured garden. Everything out there is at it’s peak, but in a few weeks it will start to brown and die. Yesterday my mom mentioned how you can already tell it’s getting darker earlier in the evenings. I hate it.

I facebooked what I thought were my 3 future roommates(randomly assigned and I didn’t know them) and found out that at least two are not going to live with me next year. There is one of the girls who is still listed on my housing info on the college cite, along with someone named nimeng liu…It makes me very anxious, not to have some kind of solidity going back to school. I want to feel as normal as possible. I want to ask both girls whether they’re living with me, and I emailed nimeng and she hasn’t yet replied. The other girl, part of the three I was originally going to live with, she hasn’t responded to the facebook message I sent the three girls a week ago and I can see from her activity that she’s been on facebook(ugh I am a stalker!)  Is there some glitch on the school website that says she’s still living in the apartment? Has she moved with her friends, the other two girls off campus?

It is dumb I suppose for me to worry, but when everything else going back to school is so unsteady and scary, I want to know where I am at least where I live. This will be my first apartment. I want to talk with these girls, whoever if anyone I’m living with about adding things to the apartment, decorating…I saw what I thought were my roommates till this week as a group of girls I could take refuge with sometimes since the clique I was in last year betrayed and hurt me. On an even pettier level, I know my ex/maybe not ex friends are living in the same aparment complex and I don’t want to feel like their’s is better than mine, or more correctly, that they love their perfect apartment and I feel lacking in mine, which is meant to be a 4 person apt but as of now in a best case has 3 people.

I want god to come down just for a second and be like, "it’s gonna be okay jenna, it seems stressful now but I’m gonna make it all fit into place…you’re gonna feel at home, in your own home". It’s 2:43 and "supprisingly" that has not happened yet. Tommorrow is my birthday. 21. I feel like a shell, very numb and drowsy, which I guess makes sense since I took an adavan and  klonopin for anxiety.


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