ive read on here about a buncha people that feel ugly and useless, lonely and unloveable. and please don't assume by the following blog that i don't feel that way myself often…

but i seem to express it in a different way. rather than holing myself up in my room or camping out in front of the tv with a tub of ice cream (which i only do in a major crash), when im feeling only mildly or moderately depressed, i seem to attempt to lift my mood by seeking out sexual contact with anyone i can… I recently read an article on addiction where they said that a key marker of addiction is wanting something more than you actually like that. I can't count the number of times i've met someone at a bar or club or online and only realized i didnt really want sex halfway through our tumble in the sheets…

i feel (and hope) that there are others out there that can relate. i've heard ppl on here talk about drug and food addiction, and it makes sense that sex addiction would be just as much a marker of depression too. its like i look to others to define my sense of worth and value… and what better way to confirm that than to get them into bed with me…

but afterwards, it always seems like my depression is 3x worse… not only have i had sex i didnt really wanna have, but i feel guilty about it as well. I usually either feel like i used the other person or that i was used. and girlys and guys that tend to jump into bed never seem to want to be friends later. so its gotten to the point where im afraid to have sex with anyone i really like, because then i might lose them (if that makes any sense)… its not that i'm worried the sex will be awful, but that somehow in my mind sex and love have become entirely separated… and it seems impossible that i will ever find someone i love and love having sex with. for me, ive found people that are able to love me more or less unconditionally, but sex always comes with conditions of some kind or another… not to mention a crapload of baggage.

does anyone get one im talking about? and am i crazy in thinking there are other depressives also addicted to sex? (well i know im crazy, but u know what i mean)…