I\’ve given up on looking for Jesus, he\’s simply not there. I have been trying to connect with Mother Gaia all day, my husband and I went on two short hikes. I hugged two trees. We named them Bob and Mary. It\’s good to befriend Mother Nature. I am trying so hard to relax and just be ok right now. It\’s not easy, what with everything looking so terrible around me, and the dark shadows that I see. One thing my husband pointed out was that I didn\’t start seeing the dark shadows until after I started taking medication. So it\’s possible that all this time I\’ve been taking medication to help me stop seeing dark shadows everywhere, but in fact the medication itself is causing it. I did some research and discovered that all three of my medications have potential side effects of causing changes in vision. So I could be getting a triple whammy here. The bad voice would have me believe that it\’s not the medication, but the fact that I\’m in hell and the dark shadows are caused by me sinking fast. That can\’t be true, it\’s too terrifying. The whole world looks just awful to my eyes, nothing looks right. I\’m so discouraged.

Things don\’t look right in the house and they don\’t look right out in the world. It\’s like I\’m not safe anywhere, no matter what I do, the world is just melting away from me, and I\’m lost and alone. I don\’t feel lonely per se, because I have the constant love and companionship of my husband. But what is going on is a feeling of being locked out of life, detached and disoriented.