Today is an awful day. And as much as i'm trying not to let it get to me because its been 2 years today, i can't let it go. I still have so much guilt even though my rational mind says that I did all I could…my emotional mind won't let me let go. I hate today more than anyothe day and ive been holding back tears since coming to work. I feel sick to my stomach from holding it in. I want to go home and at the same time dno't know how to ask for the day off and go home w/o breaking down when asking. I'm sure I can pull thru the day but its going to be very difficult when every 10 mins i'm pushing back tears that are building up in my eyes, making things blurry.
For those of you who arent understanding what i'm talking about … December 20th, 2005 I had to put my dog down. he was only 6 mo old and I have alot of guilt because of various reasons. Not so much because I had him put down, because I know there was nothing else to do and he was suffering. But because I didn't want him to begin w/. My then bf wanted him…We got him in July and then in September things fell apart w/ him and he didn't want anything to do w/ the dog. So i took him. Malachi had problems from day one. He always had cronic diarreah that no one could figure out what was happening. He was in and out of vets offices and because of that I sort of resented him. Costing me so much money and frustrating me because I felt like my hands were tied. I put him on every different kind of food, changed to a home cooked meal of chicken livers and rice to try to solidify his watery poop. Nothing worked. Then December 1st something happend…He was having trouble breathing. He sounded like he had fluids in his lungs. I freaked out and took him to vet after vet. No one could tell me what was wrong. Mean while he was slowly dying. He was growning weaker and was starting to not want any food. He was becoming skin and bones. I would cry because I knew I loved him and that i'd just started to love him only a short time before and now i was loosing him. I finally got into a specialist who did ultrasounds and xray's on his lungs. Turns out his lungs were filling w/ fluids. They then extracted the fluids from one side of his lung w/ a very long needle to have it tested. This little bit of fluid extraction perked him up dramatically. I now began to have hope that he would make it. The dr said he'd get the tests back in a few days and he'd call me. When a few days came around he called and told me that the tests came back inconclusive (just as all of malachi's tests had for all his other ailments). I broke down. The dr told me i could either let him live it out which wouldn't be long because the fluids were starting to refill and he would suffocate probably in his sleep or I could put him down. The choice was the hardest thing i've ever done even though I know it was the right one. So I called my stepdad and could barely talk to him but he made the appointment for his last day for me. I called a cremation place for pets to schedule his final step. I spent the last days with him every moment. I never left his side. December 20th i woke up and my parents came to take me to the vet's office where I said goodbye. I stayed with him the whole time and told him that he didn't have to suffer anymore. His whole life was spent in and out of dr's offices and this was finally the last one he had to be in. i then took him to the creamatorium and said one last good bye. In that following July I took his ashes to San Diego and cast his ashes into the ocean at Ocean Beach Pier. Even though i physically have let go, emotionally I'll never be able to forget his big forgiving eyes that i looked into that last time before he went to sleep.

 

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