i really dunno where to begin on this….  *sigh  i’ve been circling the drain for a while, now, and i have to keep finding excuses to keep fighting.  Most of the time, though, i’d rather give up.  No matter how well they think they know you, people just seem to assume….yep, that word again….they ‘know’ me or my story.  It just becomes so frustrating to the point i don’t want to socialize much at all.  i keep trying to write something meaningful, that might possibly explain my ‘state,’ lately, but either the words don’t wanna come, or i wind up getting too flustered and give up.  So, in essence, i get nowhere.  ah duh.  Well, that seems to be one of the stories of my life, especially where my own well-being’s concerned.  But, i’m trying to keep moving forward and getting as much done now, as i can, since i have no idea what’s gonna take place.                                                                                                                                                                                      Something has bothered me for a while, now, though.  It seems a bit petty, but i don’t take it that way–heck, i don’t take much of anything that way.  i do listen to anything anyone tells me…  i do pay attention and for the most part, don’t really say a whole lot.  (Most of the time, i can write and write some more, since it always comes from the heart.  But, speaking is a bit different, especially these past two decades.  It’s like my brain and mouth are on different connections and my mouth didn’t get the right memo….or, so it seems.  i know what i’m trying to say, but it doesn’t always come out that way.  So, when i am trying to make a point, it’s easier for me to do via writing.)  Anyway, my husband has said this to me for a good while, now, and it really eats away at me.  He understands me to a degree, but i think he tends to put his own spin on it, or simply ignore that fact that i truly DO care.  He told me the other day that i have no empathy, that i don’t even try to feel for him in his situation.  UMMMM…HELLO!!!???  i’ve known him for seven years, and i swear that’s got to be the ONE thing he says that is sooooooooooooooooooooo wrong!  It doesn’t do any good for me to try and explain my meaning, since he shuts off his hearing, when it doesn’t suit him—selective hearing 101.  It’s one thing to have selective hearing.  It’s something totally different when you either misunderstand or misinterpret what’s being said, because that can lead to some really painful feelings.  Am i the only person who feels so sensitive?  i feel like no matter what i do or say, it comes out wrong or people just can’t possibly understand my meaning.  —The main reason i opt for solitude, most of the time.  But, this is also dangerous…..at least for me, anyway.  Since Shelby’s death and all the bs that’d accumulated, regarding my visa-status and the residency application and so forth, yep, i gave up.  It was either leave Canada and try to get closer to where Gabe lives, so i could finally meet him (which i have), and try to figure out what i can do for him; or stay until they threw me out or some other sorta drama took place.  i’m so tired of crap landing in my lap.  Yes, i also know that some of it, i’ve brought upon myself and therefore, need to figure out what to do.  But, i never asked to get hit, raped, used, manipulated, lied to, and on and on the list continues.  *sigh  i keep having those moments of planning….the times when it feels like it will never get any better, people are going to use you and throw you away like yesterday’s garbage, no matter what you do, and nobody gives a care.  You don’t matter.  You never have.  The world will be better off without you.  The people who know you will be better off without you here.  Your viewpoint is moot.  Who cares anyway?  What difference does it make, regardless of what you try to do?  Your daughter’s gone….she’s dead…..your son hasn’t reached out since you’ve tried to talk to him, so nobody wants anything to do with you.    —this is my heart—what’s left?


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