This is the first time doing anything like this, so hopefully I can keep it pretty together.

Last night I missed another chance to do something I should have done. I have missed these chances my whole life. It wears me out physically, emotionally, mentally to try breaking out of my known "hermit" habits.

I have always had soical problems growing in an all around negative life style of thinking and feeling. But it has became worse in the last year, to the point I am in hermit mode. I have a full time job working with the public when I am on the clock I am friendly, helpful, sometimes people find me "special", but once I am off that clock thats the end of it for me. I want to speak to no one, and if I do it is a regular person I've dealt with. I seem rude to others because I carry a very strong vibe that says to stay the F away.

I can blame all kinds of people, but it boils down to me, and how this is now my issue not anyone elses. I scream for help in a whisper, I get hot headed when I am trying to expect someone else to pull me out of this. I become angry/hurt because the books I read says find safe people but I fear safe people for me is going to end in the same story as always, I end up expecting more out of another human that I can't give to myself and then that is the end of the relationship.

I have put myself into this lonely life in this world full of people, and each time I try to break out and play nice I find humans are just straight rude, everyone seems to have too much stress and yeah sadly that is the life we live in. Humans are forgetting we need each other and each time I go out and see more rudeness than friendly it makes me want to stay in my bubble oris it just because thats another excuse to keep myself in the bubble?

Well there is my thought at the moment, tired of losing out on my life, but allowing myself to keep the excuses, and the physical effects…