Hi guys. Okay, I haven’t posted in a long time, so here are some of my thoughts and feelings about how things have been going with me. I am struggling a lot right now with both my OCD and my Tourette’s, and I’m not sure why exactly. I’m terrified that my Psychiatrist might want to put me on a new Medication. I really don’t want that to happen, because last time it did, I ended up in the Hospital due to the drug causing me to want to self harm. And that was in 2016, I was in the hospital for 82 days, which ended up being the worst time of my life.
Anyway, things have not been going so well lately, especially my relationship with my Parents. They are running out of patience for my behavior, and they do NOT have the resources to send me back to the Hospital and have to deal with that crap again. Last night, I had a terrible episode of tics with my Tourettes, and it was scaring the crap out of me because I had no control over what I was doing (involuntary sounds and movments). And the worst thing about it was being judged by my own mother (Yes, I know she loves me, but she was getting pissed at me for not controlling the volume of my tics). I kept telling her I had no control, but she kept insisting that I could control the volume when I clearly couldn’t. I had a bath and shower, and pretty much had tics almost constantly the whole time. My Mom eventually had to bring me up a Lorazepam (Ativan) while I was in the bathroom, and when she handed it to me, she said “Jennifer, Please stop screaming.” First of all, I was shouting, not screaming, and secondly I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. I took this as judgement, and told her later when I got out of the shower to stop judging me for something I couldn’t control. When I kept on making loud noises down in my Apartment, she told me to keep it down, and when I told her I could not, she insisted that I could. That’s when I got mad at her and told her to stop judging me. And at some point in that conversation, she told me it was my fault, or at least partly my fault that I had tics and a racing mind, just because “You didn’t take your medications on time, and you’re not doing everything you can to help yourself.” So basically she accused me of bringing this on myself. And when she mentioned that I might end up being in a Group Home, not just because of my tics, but because of my OCD behaviors, I really got mad. I don’t want to end up in a Group Home, or worse, the Hospital again.
Suffice to say, I am angry with my Parents and my Psychiatrist, because I feel like they won’t listen to what I’m saying about anything. I’m dreading my next Psychiatrist Appointment, because I don’t want to switch to a new Medication or go back on an old one. How do I make them understand that I can change, and that going to a Group Home or a Hospital is not the answer to my tics?
Please, if anyone has any suggestions on what I should do next, please let me know.
Take Care and Stay Safe.