At any rate it was just a matter of time before my addiction has reared its ugly head and thrown me back out under the wheels of life…Pointed out to me so carelessly like a big spray painted FUCK YOU in graffiti scrawl across my very soul…depression and addiction…like a wonderful emulsion of life and living after it all comes to an end.
I did not see it, well yeah I did I always do, and just this very free form attempt at putting my words here as they come you wont get the same effect as if you were right here…I traded…yes it was a trade…just like bargaining with god as we had our heads buried into toilet as we puked and wretched out the love of our life…begging for another day (we so fucking lied) another day to live Nah another day to try to die, that’s the fucking insanity…over and over and over…. expecting that different RESULT…Maybe just maybe I could get it right this time…Ya know what? For me…I am sad to report that no matter what it will never be enough…I will push that envelope till the day there is nothing left to give…I will remain the shell of what I was, because the “Ugly” doesn’t get to come out and play anymore…
The little addict in me has been using all along, no I didn’t pick up…I didn’t have to, I opened up and let people use me J oh yes that’s what I did…I thought it felt good, but it was just that I wanted to feel ANYTHING? No I wanted to hurt, I wasn’t done, I was still picking up the BAT and hitting it for all it was worth. Smile folks…you liked watching it as the drama unfolded it made some turn their heads in shame, while others grabbed the popcorn. Some quietly reached over and took the bat, I thought they were going to put it down, little did I know, When I woke up it was too late.
So…I have choices…it has always been about that…Someone spoke of motives, fuck you and your motives. I motivate me…Wanting to live motivates me…I just don’t know how…I am learning but I am tired. I look down to my right forearm, the words “OUT OF TIME” are tattooed on it..I still look at it and realize little has changed…there will always be 24 hours in a day, and I will always need 24 hours and one minute…for an eternity I have needed that I its just not with in reach.
Work has become an unique part of my world…I was not aware I had the capability to function as I do, and be so at peace with it. Dignity in Dying. I would ask that I be afforded the same rites when my time comes…Everyday a little part goes…I guess that is what it is. I don’t have to pretend anymore…I don’t have tell anyone anymore. I can just do. Put my head on my pillow and sleep…One day I will wake no more and…
The world will still turn…
That is ok…
This is how it works…
