It was actually a lovely, sun-drenched day of soft breezes and although All I did was chill @ my flat, I saw or spoke with all my favorite people. What could I possibly find to complain about?
Nothing, just that loneliness we are afflicted by- the spiritual void. Right now, I am just wasting the time left in my day waiting to be tired enough to fall asleep fast. Or fall fast asleep.
My recovery homework for the week has been to simply sit with uncomfortable feelings like this, rather than run from them or submerge in them. I have done miraculously well considering how my whole psyche is wired for escape from, avoidance of or drowning in any emotion.
That doesn't mean it's been easy. I ache to depart from myself. Wallowing hasn't been as much of a problem- that is, I've been given some sort of daily reprieve from my typical urge to marinate in self-pity or even feelings like this loneliness.
I know when I'm done writing this that I will pray for sleep to come quickly so it will be tomorrow morning as soon as is possible. I have plans with a couple of close girlfriends in the Fellowship and my sense of seperation will end in hugging them and hitting a morning meeting, then off for adventures.
I guess I'm not really complaining. Damn it, I got you all psyched for some grousing and what do I give you instead? Prattling.
I guess the only real complaint I have is that this loneliness is exhausting and must simply be endured. Not simply for this week, but most of the time lately. I am taking care of myself, not isolating, not on a flight from myself. There is real balance, which is certainly only possible after years of patient teaching from my sponsor and others.
It's such a basic componant of the disease of addiction and whenever I find myself faced over and over with one of those, there is a lesson happening between me and HP. I guess it's time to get out of my head and see what that lesson is.