The anxiety. I've prided myself on thinking I've gotten over it. For someone who had extreme levels of social anxiety from 11-21, I've had tremendous success in getting better. I've fought really hard to keep myself and alive. This social anxiety disorder is a killer. It almost got me, more times than I care to remember. I wanted to end my life periodically because I couldn't live this way.
Oh god, why am I doing this to myself?
The causes of social anxiety are still unknown. Most think it is just a lack of social skills others genetic or both. Many have told, including certain family members to "just deal with it." Why? Because everyone goes through shit in their lives and really aren't going to notice your inner torment.
I agree. How harsh we've learned to be with one another. You know why I waited so long to get help? Because I was a child and I believed I had brought it on myself and needed to deal with it myself.
People kill themselves, but people always wonder how it could have been prevented. Maybe to show more understanding and compassion, to say you could to you anytime they needed help and you'd be there. That you weren't just saying it, like so many. I'd offer myself up, I have. I just think when you say you will do something, especially in situations like this, you better mean it because the day will come when you need that support, that help.
Coming back the anxiety, after all "therapy" and medication, I thought I was on the road to recovery. I've taken so many little steps which led me to bigger ones. I started to think it was a thing in the past, that it could be controlled if I just kept pushing myself. That I just had to keep on trying things.
As my therapist says, "Well what's the worst that could happen?" Nothing really. It's just the fear that gets to you. That's the point. Its waiting to do those things, thats why I've always had the urge to get things done now otherwise I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function.
I made myself do things today, though I parked in a parking lot and then when I was about to go into radioshack, I realize it was only over the counter and I went right back to my car and drove to staples. See, salespeople I am not able to deal with. They make me so uncomfortable. But I did get my digital camera. I went to two different stores and asked for help. I wasn't going to go home and let it beat me. That's been my motto over the past year.
I've been spending a lot of time on ebay. I want to go to estate sales and garage sales, but I'm afraid to go, especially by myself. I don't know what I'm afraid of, maybe having to speak to people. People always say when it comes to any salesperson, you should always negotiate on the price. I can't do that! I bought my camera and also paid for the insurance I didn't need. Why? Because I just kept saying yes, i wanted my camera and was too afraid to say no. And it cost me $99. Can you return insurance?
I didn't think so.
Yes, I should focus on my accomplishments. Most of all, I should just go the estate sales tomorrow. I need cash though.
I know that any remnants of anxiety I have left over, is more of learned behavior. Need to break the cycle of thought. I challenge it all now. I don't know where I hi the point where I didn't have extreme amounts of anxiety anymore. Maybe after I started group therapy. Its helped a lot.