First I would just like to say Hi to whoever might be reading this. I hope you are doing alright today. This is my first time writing any kind of a blog. I’m usually a bit of a ghost on the Internet and don’t usually post or comment anywhere. It’s one of many instincts I am fighting against because I really would like to make more connections in my life.

I am 32 years old and have experienced anxiety and depression for twenty years now. With the exception of a few very dark times, I usually find these feelings manageable. The last few years things have gotten harder.

In the fall of 2019 a very close friend of mine was killed suddenly in a car accident while he was driving for a delivery company. I found out the day after when I saw it on the news. I went to his house because he had many pets and I found his brother had shot his dog Buddy because he was (needlessly) afraid of him. I took two of his cats and shih tzu JoJo and brought them home to join my two dogs as a new family.

I was working two jobs at that time. One of them was as a fitness instructor and I found that the job was almost impossible to do while grieving. My employers were not sympathetic and I made the decision to leave and take on full time hours at my other job at a health food store. Two months after that the store suddenly and unexpectedly was closed. I got a new job at a department store that I lost when the pandemic started.

During that time I had another significant, negative experience. Most of my life I considered myself a straight cis female, but I did not date very actively. I believe myself to be physically attractive but I was always awkward when I tried to meet and date men. Sometimes I thought I wanted to get married and have children and other times that seemed like the last thing I would ever want to do. I enjoyed romantic movies but felt repulsed to be touched in real life or to see someone look at me with “love eyes”. Even though I am physically female, I felt repulsed to be treated that way and I always had this weird feeling that if I got close enough to someone they would find out I wasn’t a woman. (I still don’t know what I mean by this but it’s the best wording I have.) I was really upset when I found out the health food store was closing and hastily got into a strange, short relationship with one of my coworkers, a cis straight man. We dated for two months and I don’t recognize the person I was when I was with him. Looking back I realize I felt this panic that my life was just about losing things and people and I was worried if I didn’t add someone or something I would be totally alone.  I have a very small family and small group of friends so I worry very much about who is left. I can’t say that he wasn’t “nice” and didn’t try to treat me well, but I also wonder if he knew how vulnerable I was and was just happy to take advantage. I don’t know if that’s holding him accountable for my own poor judgment though because I think he also struggled with depression and maybe didn’t want to see the truth. In any case I had my only sexual encounters ever with him and I hated very moment of it. I was disgusted by him and I felt disgusting.

I ended the relationship and quarantine started. I didn’t have much communication with any of my old colleagues or work friends. I realize everyone has their own problems and the pandemic really magnified that, so I don’t want to blame anyone for anything, but sometimes I resent people I thought I was close to who couldn’t or wouldn’t see how scared, sick, and lost I was. My mom who I live with and is my best friend was my only support, but she was also grieving the loss of our friend and was working long hours as a med lab tech at a job she hated. We both felt so sad for each other.

I want to take a moment to say my life is equal parts happy. I have had many strong, meaningful friendships, experienced many exciting opportunities, and I dream big dreams for myself still. I am feeling right now that there is great potential for me to live a life I can enjoy and be proud of and that I can practice my art and have friends and help others. It is what I mean to do and I support whoever is reading this in pursuing those dreams for themselves.

This brings me to some questions I have been having about myself. I think I have misunderstood myself for some time, mostly due to misdirection from culture. I have been a fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race since it’s inception and this past year was particularly impressed by Bimini Bon Boulash and Hugaceo Crujiente, who both identify as non binary. I was not very familiar with this term and so I did some research and found that this is something that I think I really identify with. I’m actually thinking that I identify as non-binary asexual. I don’t really feel comfortable with the idea of touching anyone in a sexual way (I don’t like platonic touching either or to touch myself even). These feelings are bringing a lot of clarity to some old ideas and feelings I have carried with me for most of my life. I feel empowered but a little uncertain about how to approach new relationships. I currently make my living doing grocery/meal deliveries so I don’t really have any coworkers. I live in a very conservative environment so there aren’t many opportunities to meet likeminded people. I feel most people I meet misjudge and misgender me. I began to think it would be helpful to find some people who are maybe experiencing some of these same feelings and did a search and found the Tribe. I feel a little better having just taken the time to gather these thoughts in one place and I imagine I might feel even a little more better to talk to someone else who is questioning their gender identity or has moved through that phase and is comfortable with how they identify. Maybe we can be ourselves together. I want whoever is reading this to know that you matter and that one day everything will be okay. Thanks for reading.