There's a song called "Sleeping Sickness" by City and Colour. The first time I heard it, I broke down in tears. It was as though the lyrics were words right out of my mouth.
"And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down"
Story of my life. Or atleast life in recent years. Sleep to me has become a terror. I am so afraid of the night. The silenceness. The lack of distractions. The envitable mental torment I go through. It would be so nice if brains came with an "off" switch.
As I lay in bed, my heart races. My mind goes a million thoughts a minute. Most are sparadic thoughts about the day, or what I have planned for the next few days. But as always, it ends at one place. A mistake I made almost two years ago. A mistake that haunts me and crosses my mind on a daily basis.
I am working to let go of my past mistake. I have obviously aknowledged it. I want to be able to forgive myself and move on. But sometimes I'll remember something about the situation, and then I get a flood of all the emotions from that time.
This evening I read an article that stated the past no longer exists and that you can't hold onto something that doesn't exist anymore. So then why do I replay the events? Why do I have to struggle to understand the decisions I made. I accept that I made the mistake. I know now that I would absolutely never want to go down that road again. But still… I still feel like such a bad person. I hate that it makes me question myself. I KNOW that I am a good person. I have a good heart, and I do have good intentions. I know that I am only human and that I, like anyone else, is prone to make mistakes. Especially being young and inexperienced. It's just hard when your mistake hurts someone else.
Tonight and tomorrow night and the night after that…. I just want peace. Peace so that I can sleep. I believe I am deserving of that.