One of the reasons for joining this site is to connect to LGBTQ+ people to get some insight for things I actively avoided about myself for many years.  I have met a few great people that have given me direction to find answers in this personal journey, and not going to squander the valuable information given.

My brain has in the past given me abstract messages that I do not fully understand, the greatest example being the first time I had a Grand Mal seizure at 19.  It gave me a sense I should not drive for reasons I still to this day I can’t fully explain and stopped me from going somewhere, I know Auras are a thing with epilepsy but this was different and I can’t elaborate. In my adult life, I’ve gotten feelings that something isn’t quite right, as if I don’t feel whole and sad, but not sure what it is. I think I was missing, although it alleviates eventually.

When I started accepting a part of me that is feminine and gave it the name Emilie, then it was like the two of us road tripping in the thing called life, getting in touch with the other part of me. When I had a better idea what Emilie was to me, I got more insight to the feelings, although still not fully understood, it is like Emilie is missing and I’m missing an integral part of me. Almost as if on this road trip I looked over in the passenger seat and there was nobody there, I feel not whole and have a sense of loss leaving me feeling sluggishly male.   On days like this, I just want to be alone, go into my room and silently cry, wanting nobody to see me like this.  So far, I’ve gotten back the sense of being whole again, but it certainly leaves me in a funk for a few days, still wanting to be alone.