DOING THIS FOR ME, I GUESS MY OWN SANITY.  I KNOW OTHERS CARE FOR ME….BUT GET IN MOODS LIKE NOW WHERE I JUST SIMPLY DON'T FEEL ANYTHING BUT USED AND UNIMPORTANT.

SO MANY LITTLE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED OVER THESE LAST FEW DAYS THAT HAVE ADDED TO THE PILE THAT LAST NIGHT, THE PILE TOPPLED AND I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP.

1- YESTERDAY WAS CHRISTMAS……FIRST ONE WITH MY FIRST GRAND DAUGHTER….SO IT SHOULD OF BEEN WONDERFUL, BUT EVERY PLAN I HAD SEEMED TO FALL APART AND OTHERS CAME FIRST ….NOT THAT I HAVE TO COME FIRST ALL THE TIME, AND DON'T EXPECT TO BE…BUT ONCE IN A WHILE I WISH I WOULD.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO SILVER DOLLAR CITY ON SAT , GOT DOWN THERE AND THE WEATHER WAS FAR TOO COLD AND RAINY FOR THE BABY TO BE OUT….SO I CALLED IT OFF….TO GO THE NEXT DAY, THEN MY SON IN LAWS MOTHER DECIDED THEY NEEDED TO COME TO HER HOUSE….SO …….I WAS SHOT DOWN…THAT IS THE ONE THING I HAD WANTED FOR MY CHRISTMAS…..FOR MONTHS……AND ALL KNEW IT…..BUT IT DIDN' T MATTER

I ASKED FOR US ALL TO GO TO THE MOVIES AND IT KEPT GETTING WE'LL SEE'S, OR I HAVE PLANS WITH MY FRIENDS OR WAS JUST FLAT IGNORED, THEN KARON DECIDES ALL ARE GOING TO THE MOVIES……AND GUESS WHAT…..WE GO.

CHRISTMAS EVE …THE HOLIDAYS IN GENERAL ARE FULL OF TRADITION FOR ME, THINGS I TREASURE I THINK OTHERS DO. ONE THING IS THE WHOLE FAMILY WATCHING IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE ON CHRISTMAS EVE NIGHT…..SAMMY WENT TO BED, HEADACHE, CHRISTMAS MORNING SHE GOT UP AND OPENED PRESENTS AND RIGHT BACK TO BED…..LIKE SOMETHINGS WRONG, BUT HEAVEN FORBID SHE TELLS ME.   THEN LATER SHE WANTS TO GO TO THE CORNER FOR TP AND I ASK IF SHE WOULD LIKE TO GO HAVE A CIG FIRST…..NO SHE JUST HAD ONE, AND I SAID OK CAN I RIDE ALONG AND I'LL HAVE ONE IN THE CAR SINCE WE CAN'T SMOKE AROUND BABY EL…..AND IT WAS NO I WANT TO BE ALONE.  I MEAN I PRACTICALLY BEGGED TO BE ABLE TO SPEND ANYTIME WITH HER.  AND SHE IS LEAVING IN 2 WEEKS WITH MY GRAND DAUGHTER TO BE GONE AT LEAST 11 PLUS MONTHS THIS ROUND BEFORE RETURNING NEXT CHRISTMAS WE PRAY. 

LAYING IN BED LAST NIGHT I THOUGHT ABOUT MARK TOO…..EARLIER THIS SUMMER HE WAS THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH AGAIN AFTER LEAVING HIS COW….AND TALKED ABOUT OUR WHOLE FAMILY BEING TOGETHER FOR CHRISTMAS AND WHAT A PRESENT THAT WOULD BE, AND THERE I LAY ALONE, SAMMY EVEN CAME AND GOT THE BABY, I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ALONE IN MY LIFE.