So last night was pretty weird. My honey and I were watching Black Swan (which is an amazing movie, by the way) when all of a sudden this huge wave of paranoia just came over me. I had no idea where it came from or why. I started acting weird (I'll admit it, just the sudden onset freaked me out myself) so my honey was confused as to whyI was acting weird and I got this sudden strong feeling that I was afraid of losing him. I think this sudden onset is somehow a result of exes leaving me with little warning and for no valid reason. Well, I don't know if in some sick twisted mind of mine I got the notion to get David back for making me feel that way so I started asking him about his friends that are cops and I guess it upset him enough that his alter, the Bizarro one, came out. I felt so bad for making him come out but I told the alter that I loved him, too, and miraculously that made him go away. He stayed and talked for a while, of course, but when I did talk to him he was calm and he wasn;t so crazy. He even admitted to having watched Pretty Woman. But anyway, the Bizarro one was not bizarro one bit except for the part about wanting to sleep with me. But other than that he finally brought up what was bothering him (he takes a while to finally admit what's bother him) about what I had said about the cops but it was an astonishingly easy feat to get him to calm down. He even told me himself that he was stunned when I said I loved him too and that he almost gave up. So this morning I wake up and realize that I fell asleep after the alter left and my honey had texted me three times worried that I didn't want to talk to him because of the alter. So I texted back saying I fell asleep and I felt sooo bad for not making myself stay up to make sure that he was ok. I don't worry as much when the alter's around though, because I made deals with him that he can't hurt him physically in anyway (about a month and a half ago he cut himself and two weeks ago he took 6 excedrin pms) or else I'll cut myself (which I did, on my leg that left a pretty bad scar that serves as a reminder that I mean it when I say I'll do it plus I told him if he took those pills i would take the rest of my vicodin). So the alter is a little intimidated by my threats. Anyway, yesterday didn't seem like any fight that I've had with the alter. The actually argument itself lasted about 30 minutes (it usually takes hours) and the rest of the2 hours I was talking to hiim was actual conversation. So when I talked to my love this morning he was freaking out asking what we talked about and I told him that it was nothing too serious and that I actually found a way to get the Bizarro one to calm down. He said himself that he was freaked out that we didn't fight like we normally do and that he had never known the Bizarro one to act the way he did last night. I felt so relieved that I could do something positive for my baby's dissociative identity disorder. Little by little I'm learning how to handle those things and he's learning how to handle my paranoia when I get it. With my honey, it's a matter of knowing what to say and how to use his words to get him to calm down; with me, it's just the struggle of reassuring me that he is not going to leave me. I really hate the fact that last week opened the flood gate up again to my paranoia. It's a struggle that's going to take a while to get rid of but one that will definitely be worth the battle.

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